More Pictures and an update

This was mere seconds after Mal was born. Josh's hands were shaking so bad that he didnt get a single clear shot. I cant think of many things that matter less. Its perfect.
We've also been asked what Zeke was doing during all this delivering of babies in bathtubs. He was in the livingroom, watching netflix on my netbook thru the whole thing. From time to time he would wander down the hall to check up on us and Josh would smile at him and say "Hey buddy, we're ok." and then back Z would wander to good old Blues Clues.
He was in fact so enthralled with the fact that it was apparently a holiday (why else would he be allowed a bottle and cartoons right off the bat?) that we had a hard time getting him to pay attention to his new brother at all. I think when called into the bathroom he said "baby", pointed at Mal, and then went right back to his show.

By the time I was finished and showered and on the couch however the draw of Blue had waned enough for Ezekiel to decide the very best way to greet a new baby brother into the world is by giving him "knuck knucks" aka knuckles. And you know what? It very will might be.

At the very least its a great story to illustrate forever that for better or worse I am now the mother of brothers.
And Zeke has embraced the roll of brother better than Josh or I ever imagined he would. He asks to hold "his baby" and loves to give Malachi his binkie (yes I have another consti-sucker and have already given in to the bink in order to relieve my poor breasts) or to bring him books that he then reads to him.


Of course Mal is still new, and Josh is still home to help, and so Zeke hasnt really had to compete for attention or priority yet. But we are taking the fact that he isnt already jealous as a very good sign. And while it will probably get harder, for now we are celebrating how easy it is today.

And it has been soo soo easy.
Mal has proven to be a very happy baby so far. He loves his sling, he loves his brother. He is a champion breast feeder and my milk has already arrived full throttle.

He has giant giant hands. It is the very first thing every single person has noticed.
And I have been healing beautifully. With no stitches needed, and very little cramping I almost feel back to my old self and its getting harder and harder to stay in bed while my house becomes a tornado around me under "daddy rule" which lets be honest is no rule at all ;) But here I sit, nursing and blogging, for at least a few more days.

A Birth Story

People who had done it before told me that after this experience, having a baby naturally and of my own strength, I would feel like a Goddess. I would find the wall named impossible and I would cross it, and I would never ever be the same.

I have to admit, without trying to minimize the miracle that took place in my bathtub this morning, I feel like nothing more or less holy than a woman. I only did, after all, what every woman is designed, specifically, wonderfully, to do. Don't get me wrong, it was a miracle indeed. It was beautiful, and it was transforming, and it was one of the most hallowed things I have ever done or seen...one of the most hallowed things you CAN ever do or see. But it was the kind of everyday miracle, like breathing, like being in love, that you can't really take any pride in. You can only be thankful.

And I am. So thankful. Not only for a healthy baby (the ultimate goal) but for the opportunity to experience this...to be able to birth my son.

Zeke's birth was a medical procedure, without trying to minimize the miracle that took place in that hospital room a year and a half ago, that is what it was...a medical procedure. Malachi's...without the beeping machines and the metal instruments and the plastic bags of IV fluids...Malachi's birth was an act of nature. It was earthly and it was otherwordly and it was the most natural thing you could ever imagine.

And only after having experienced this do I actually find peace with Zeke's birth. Only after being allowed to birth without fear of judgement, or intervention, or violence against myself or my baby, do I realize the strength I needed (and the strength I HAD) during Ezekiel's birth.

Things did not go according to plan, and I made decisions I would later regret. But at the same time, I've realized that I was a mother already as I birthed Mal. Somehow, until I held him in my arms, I had not realized that it was during Zeke's birth that I became that Godess. It was then that I found that wall of impossible and crossed it. THAT was the day I found my mother-strength.

Suddenly I find myself healed and I see Zeke's journey into this world for what it truly WAS, my passage into motherhood, my entry into that long, long, line of human Goddesses. Maybe I needed that battle as much as Zeke did.

As far as the knitty gritty details of this birth go...well...when you have a baby so fast there is not much to tell. I woke up at 4 am with a strong contraction and went back to sleep. It's happened so much over the last few months that I didn't think one thing or another about it. But at 5 am I had another and I decided to take some of the herbal tincture my midwife had given me to help turn all these braxton hicks into something real.

I doubt it was necessary because from 5 to 6 am the contractions were a good 7-4 minutes apart and I decided to call Cathy and tell her it was time to come over. She said she'd wash her face and be on her way. I jumped in the shower, decided after 15 or so minutes that the water wasn't helping as much as I had hoped and headed to the bedroom where Josh was still in bed to let him know I thought the baby might come fast and he should start filling the birthing tub. I made it to the hallway before my water broke and I suddenly thought I was dying. Maybe 10 more minutes and I was pushing.

At first I tried to fight it. My midwife was still not there! But when a baby wants to come, you cant stop it, so I moved back into the bathtub, filled it full of water and Josh delivered our sweet second born shortly after 7. Neither one of us had the presence of mind to look at the clock but luckily we did call Cathy to ask her for directions as to what we should do now and she says it was about 7:06.

She arrived probably 10 minutes too late and said "thanks for waiting for me!". But she delivered the placenta, checked on baby and I, and helped Josh take down our barely half up birthing tub. I told Josh I just need a little bit more practice and that next time I promise I will labor somewhere between 2 and 38 hours. ;)

He is here!

Malachi William arrived today at 7:06 am, after two hours of labor.
Nine lb. even, 23 inches, and he is beautiful.

My little artist

Zeke has been such a big boy lately. In more ways then one. First off, physically he is getting HUGE. I am so glad I put off buying him new jeans because suddenly it's looking like even the 2T's are going to be too short pretty soon. So I'm going to keep putting off buying more until this latest growth spurt is over and I absolutely must. That or until it gets warm enough to buy shorts, whichever happens first.

I blame the fact that the kid has been eating like a fiend. A normal breakfast these days is an entire serving of oatmeal (1/4 cup uncooked), an entire yogurt cup, and a banana. Then he takes a 2 hour break before he starts begging for more.

He's also been a big boy in other ways. So independent lately and getting to be so smart. Its bittersweet and makes me so glad to be having another. I know I would be taking it harder if I wasn't. That and if he wasn't still just so sweet. He's been asking to be rocked after his naps lately and I just love it. He is such a cuddler.

His newest thing is coloring. Coloring and playing "Yahpsee". Playing Yahtzee with a 1 year old? Not that fun, in case you wondered. I get 1 roll for ever 3 or 4 of his and somehow while every roll he does is a "Yeah Yahpsee!!!" every one of mine is an "uh oh". I think that means I'm losing? He wants to color or draw all day long, though. For Christmas he got some window crayons and those have been a big hit.
He DOES have to be watched carefully, though, or else he finds things more entertaining then the window to color on.
The window crayons are the activity that just keeps going, however, because there is nothing Ezekiel likes to do more when he is done making his art then clean it up. That spray bottle and a sponge equals an hour of mommy time at least.

As far as a pregnancy update goes...well I am still pregnant. I had hoped the new moon tonight would help but alas, no luck. I have also thought spicy food, a long walk, acupuncture, raspberry leaf tea, and a billion other things would help. Also no luck. My midwife forbids castor oil so I haven't done that one but I've tried about everything else.

I have resigned myself to patience. And to the hope that maybe the baby is just into astrology and doesn't want to be a Capricorn. If she waits until the 20th she gets to be an Aquarius...

Even though I am not quite yet 42 weeks I went ahead and took a picture this morning. And this is why: I have been asked a lot if my stomach has "dropped". Actually, I got asked this a lot during both of my pregnancies and I never knew what to answer. I carried both so low the entire time that I never really noticed any such thing happening. Well check out this extremely blurry photo (Sorry, as you can see, someone small was trying to be noticed and shaking me). I can most definitely say that I HAVE DROPPED. I am not actually sure what that means...but I am sure that it has happened over the last few days.

Hopefully it means I will have a baby soon. Because honestly, I dont know how much more this poor tummy can take. This dropping business put a whole new level into the stretchiness of my stretch marks and now a few of them have to be band-aided because they are bleeding. Poor poor tummy. Also this is the laziest baby in the universe. She only moves about once a day. Which means every day at about 7 o clock I start to stress out because she hasn't moved. Then she rolls over once and re-settles for another 24 hours. At 35 weeks this was kind of nice. At almost 42 its not as cute.

Embarassed

I've been feeling a bit embarrassed...ashamed, really...over my behavior recently as my due date approached, came, and then passed me by. I have been impatient. And cranky. And complaining pretty much non-stop. I'm sorry for everyone that has had to deal with me. I would like to make excuses right now, about being so very huge and uncomfortable, and about my nearly constant braxton-hicks contractions, and my fears that I'm going to have to induce yet again to get this baby out. But I think excuses are just counterproductive at this point. Because it is all of course worth it. I am thankful to be healthy enough to carry my babies to term and it is some comfort to tell myself that my extra-long cooking methods create extra-adorable babies :) It is only a matter of days or at most a week or two at this point, I am keeping faith that I WILL go into labor when the time is right. Plus as soon as it is all over I'm sure I will forget all about it and want to get pregnant again right away.

(Actually, although Josh and I have decided we definitely want a #3 and are deeply considering a #4 we are taking a "break" before that adventure. My body is tired and we think it would be best for my health, for my sanity, and for our children, if we let some time pass before adding to our brood. Some people can handle marathon pregnancies and some people can fulfill the needs of 3 or 4 preschoolers at once, but I doubt my abilities on both those scores. Plus, since we are only 23 and 24 we aren't exactly racing a clock. What "a break" entails we arent sure. Until I have weaned Blueberry and have had my body to myself for a full year? Until both these kids are potty-trained? Until Zeke is in school? We think we will just wait and see how we feel as time passes, but we are thinking a good 3-5 years before my next pregnancy would be ideal.)

Anyways, I have an acupuncture appointment tonight. I am nervous, having never done acupuncture before but I have heard good things about its ability to get babies moving, I happen to know a local acupuncturist, and it is a risk-free induction technique. And then Friday is a new moon, which may also help. I am keeping faith.

Job Description

Although I have never minded describing myself as a Stay at Home Mom (SAHM if you will), I will admit that it lacks a certain...consequence? It doesn't really sound like much, I guess is what I'm getting at. I am a mom, and I stay at home. Sounds a bit like laziness, really.

I personally prefer the term Homemaker, if I am thinking about it. My work is making a home. That sounds a little better.

I've heard people say they are Domestic Engineers. That always makes me giggle. It's cute.

But the other day I heard one that is really good. Really really good. From now on I am no longer a simple Stay At Home Mom. I am now officially my family's Director of Development.

The New Rules

Yep, I have entered that time. That time that no woman should ever have to enter.

Over-due.

Luckily I planned well and as per tradition (if two times a tradition makes) spent my due date getting a pedicure and then eating dinner out with my best friends. Not as fun as having a baby, but at least when I DO have the baby my toes will look delicious.

But the point of this post was that now that I receive the mandatory 5 or 6 phone calls or emails a day asking if I am still pregnant, I have a couple rules to establish. Rules for me in particular but honestly...these are rules for pretty much any nearly or over due woman. I say all this at the risk of being rude but I don't really mind at this point, because I may save myself (and countless other poor woman) the tragedy of the following comments, which are NOT EVER allowed:

(Yes, I have received ALL of these comments in the last week)

"Are you still pregnant?" Unless you are in a relationship to said pregnant woman that really might leave you uninformed when the baby is born (I swear, mom, I'll let you know) and you really have a reason to have to know (curiosity doesnt count) you are not allowed to ask this question.

"Why don't you just induce?/strip your membranes?/break your water/other form of induction?" or in a related field "When will you ect?" or "You should just ect." I am well informed. I know these option are available. I don't need to be reminded of them 40 times a day.

"I went over my due date and I was not nearly as pathetically wimpy and complainy as you. You should be like me." or related "I loved being pregnant, I never wanted it to end" You are either a liar or a robot. Either way I am no longer interested in your conversation.

"You look ready to burst!" or any other comment on my size. Also pointing out the fact that I am waddling (yes, I have noticed, thank you) and/or cant bend over (I am also aware of this).

"This will be just like Zeke and you wont ever go into labor." That comment is particular to me but really any horror story that comes up into your pretty little head can be left to yourself. I have been told (so far) that I will never go into labor, that my body is broken and obviously unable to go into labor, that my placenta is surely no longer in working order I have been pregnant sooo long, and that if I wait too long the baby will be too big to be born vaginally. All before my actual due date. And along with each of these lovely nuggets of obvious wisdom have come stories of other women or "medical facts" that prove this to be true. Scaring sleep deprived women helps no one.

Maybe this is the same as the above but it bears repeating: Any and all comments that my personal medical decisions are dangerous/ill advised/stupid/martyr-ish. I pay someone for this kind of advice. You are not that person.

You may be left wondering "Well then what am I allowed to say?" Although I hope what you are actually wondering is "Who would ever say such things?" I know the answer to be: everyone I currently know. So, yes, I will be sooo kind as to give you a few helpful hints.

You may:

Compliment my person, my family, my home.

Give me pure, unadulterated pity.

Comment on the horrible weather. (ALL weather is horrible at 40 weeks)

Offer me icecream.

On a lighter and brighter note: I actually don't feel all THAT bad. I wish this crazy off and on again fever would stop. We cant figure out what's causing it in the first place, despite numerous cultures and tests and lists and lists of questions from my midwife about any and all symptoms. At first we though flu. Then infection. Then maybe pre-eclamspia. But it is proving to be none of those. I will blame hormones. If the fever comes back again we have decided to just take some antibiotics for (apparently) the hell of it since that is all my midwife's back-up could recommend when we ended up calling her.

****I am updating this post to tell everyone that the only thing the latest culture found was E Coli. E Coli!! For some reason I think that is the funniest thing that has ever ever happened to me. Since feeling crampy and having loose stools is par for the course when you are preggo, I never considered an intestinal infection. Anyways, now we know.****

I also wish these freaking stupid contractions would stop. Either that or get stronger and produce a baby. I blame all of my impatience and crankiness on the fact that I've had sooooo maaaany braxton hicks contractions this pregnancy. I am sick of the word contraction. I hate both braxton and hick. If those are people. Which I assume but do no actually know.

But I'm surviving. And my fingers and toes look great.

And Zeke has taken to wearing this scarf absolutely everywhere we go. Which entertains me to no end. It was a Christmas gift (to me) that he took to right away. At first we thought it would end with that day (Christmas) but he has worn it almost every day since then as well.
He thinks he looks pretty snazzy.

He has also been cooking up a storm. Yes, those are real apple slices he is preparing for the oven. And yes, that is my frying pan on his stove, despite the fact that the frying pan the playset comes with is much more appropriately sized.
We might want to invest in a football or something...

Just relieving you

Just in case anyone was worrying about my mental health as I entered an ENTIRE NOTHER DECADE pregnant, I am doing surprisingly well.

I think it was around 11 am on New Years Eve that I starting having light cramping and contractions. I think my description to Josh was "The pittliest, most pathetic contractions you can imagine" and my immediate response to my uterus was "You are joking me right? THIS is all you've got?" (yes, I talk to my organs)

I did what I could do get them going stronger (lunges on the stairs, bouncing on my birthing ball, ect) and then gave up to take a nap. They continued right on so when Josh got home from work (Early! Yipee!!) we decided to go to the mall for some serious walking. (Basically we set Z free and follow him, its a work out) They continued right on thru walking, thru spicy labor chili I made for dinner, thru my wonderful New Years Eve bath.

An aside: The recipe for a wonderful New Years Eve bath includes but is not necessarily limited to: Sparkling Apple Cider (the closest thing to alcohol I'm currently allowed and a childhood New Years tradition besides), aromatherapy oil in the water, my favorite Jane Austen novel (Persuasion, in case you needed to know), Iron and Wine playing in the background, and NO BABIES ALLOWED (I love to bath with Zeke but it isnt exactly the same, ya know?) Josh recommended candles and had to be reminded that I have a freaky candle thing. I seriously CANNOT relax if there is a candle anywhere near me. I am convinced the house will light on fire and put the candle out if I so much as have to leave the room to use the bathroom and jump about a mile if it flickers (imagining it suddenly exploding or something), not to mention if a cat goes anywhere near it. I never lock my car or my front door, my passwords and pin numbers are all insanely easy to guess, I walk around in the dark downtown whenever I feel the need and constantly talk to homeless men but man oh man do I worry about candles. And Zombies.

Anyways, the contractions lasted until midnight. They lasted all thru the night as I tried to sleep. They lasted almost all thru New Years day. They never got stronger. They never stopped until probably 5 pm. So weak and pittly (lovin' that word) that I could ignore them at will but never stopping all the same.

You would think I would be really irritated at this point. Especially as they stopped. But I think I was right yesterday, entering the new year was strangely calming. Now that I've passed that deadline that I set for myself I am suddenly free. The baby WILL be born in January 2010, there is no other option. So suddenly it doesnt matter if its the 1st or the 20th. It is all the same in a way. Babies evidently dont care about taxes.

PS Just had another weak-ass contraction. So I guess they didnt stop so much as had a 3 hour break? Who knows what's going on...

Uhg

I will admit that I am seriously seriously depressed over here.

My burst of energy lasted about 36 hours and then became not labor but...wait for it...wait for it...the flu. I had fever/chills and body aches for a good 36 or so hours. NOT fun when you are 39 weeks pregnant...just in case you were wondering.

I also have not had this baby yet. And everyone was sooo sure it would be this week...this year. Soooo sure. My midwife didn't want to bother making a prenatal appt for next week she was sooo sure. Josh has been talking about his New Year's Eve baby for months now. Well it's New FREAKING Years Eve Josh!! Where is your baby!?!?

I think when he comes home from work I will punch him in the face.

After today, in a strange strange way, I think it will actually get better. Because after today I have to admit that I am running late (again) and it could be another few weeks (again). Its a miserable thought but I think once I've crossed that line and admitted/accepted it, then it will be easier to swallow each day as it comes baby-less.

I had a really good feeling

I had a really good feeling about today. A really good feeling.

Like "Today is THE day".

I had a good night's sleep. I was full of energy (for the first time in a looong time). I showered and did some yoga, ate a big breakfast and drank my pregnancy tea. I went over to a friend's new apartment to visit and let our kids play. I came home and still had so much energy that even though I have been really committing myself to taking naps with Zeke everyday (so as to not be too exhausted should I go into labor) I just couldn't get to sleep. So instead you could find me on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor with a sponge. That felt so good I moved on to the baseboards of the entire main floor. Then I did the bathroom, and the dishes, and a couple loads of laundry.

I also cleaned up 4...that's right FOUR...different areas where my cat threw up. Apparently she is sick? She also peed on Josh and I's bed (hence the laundry). But even THAT couldn't get me down today.

Now it's 4 o clock. Zeke has been up from his nap for an hour and the house is completely and utterly spotless. As in there is not a single thing left to clean anywhere. I might move on to organizing a few cupboards. Because I am STILL full of energy.

And the funniest part? I'm also STILL not in labor. Which pretty much crosses off my good feeling about today. I only have 8 hours left after all. Yet I haven't fallen into my characteristic 4 o clock ice-cream eating depression. I keep waiting for it to start. I should be really really mad that I'm not in labor. I was so SURE after all. And then I went to all this work and got nothing out of it. Except a clean house, of course.

Maybe I have finally found my zen? I told Josh yesterday I feel like no matter how hard I try I cant find seem to find an emotional balance. I am either elated or I am depressed. Either the baby is coming right away or else I will be pregnant forever. Have I found stasis?

Or is this just the elation before the biggest storm?

A Christmas in Pictures

Since our families didn't get to see us this year for Christmas (you know, being due any second now and unable to travel) I thought I'd put up a ton of pictures of our festivities. Here is our tree Christmas Eve. We are one spoiled family. We ran out of wrapping paper. At midnight. On Christmas Eve. Hence the kitchen my mom bought Zeke being only covered in the front and by shipping paper. The fact that we even had enough of THAT was a saturnalia miracle. (The phrase Saturnalia miracle was repeated throughout the holiday from this point on, as it cracked Josh and I up)

I woke up early but the boys slept in until almost 9.

Zeke's first sight of his stocking.

He took the candy canes out right away and then would not get interested in anything else.

We then repeated this with the M&M's.

But we got him to get into the rest of the stocking finally, as long as he got to hold his candy. Here is is showing me his new matchbox car.

After we gave in to a few M&M's and then snuck away the candy he finally noticed that giant gift in the corner.

A kitchen!

Repeat the "no-longer-interested-in-anything-else" scenario again. Zeke has a short attention span...or I suppose the problem is its a long attention span? Either way this presents thing took us quite a while.

But he soon got the hang of it.

And he opened everyone's presents for them.

Only getting distracted by the really really cool gifts.

And sometimes stealing mommy's.

When all was finished daddy thought he was getting a hug. In fact Zeke had just remembered about those M&M's from earlier.

I didnt want to cook on Christmas. So we just put out some crackers, cheese, summer sausage, apple, pomegranate, spinach dip with bread, and some cake bites I made the night before. It was pretty good to munch all day long.

Ezekiel agreed. He was, in fact, a dip hog.

We also played Yahtzee. I won once, and then Josh won twice, so I decided the REAL winner was the highest 3 scores added together. We tied exactly.

A Saturnalia miracle.

Slow Motion

Time moves really slowly when you know that you could go into labor any second now, but you also know you could not go into labor for another month. At 38 weeks, that is about where I am. Its not exactly a dual knowledge though, or even a minute by minute change. I have a real scheduled transition going on at this point. I wake up every morning with the thought "Today is the day, today I am having this baby!" I clean the whole house so that it's ready, I spend lots of time with Zeke so that his little reservoir of attention is full for the next few difficult weeks, I eat a healthy and hearty breakfast and lunch and then I take a nap with Zeke so that I'm well rested up for the marathon that is labor.

By the time I wake up I'm starting to get cranky. I listen to my Hypnobabies "This is your Birthday Day" CD. I do my yoga. I bounce on my birthing ball, I walk, I do as many squats as I can humanly manage. By the time Josh gets home from work I can be found laying on the couch, under a pile of blankets, and perhaps eating ice cream. Defeated. Today I will not be having a baby.

I don't know why exactly I'm so anxious and impatient. As Josh keeps so helpfully reminding me, I have another 2 weeks to my due date. My own guess for baby's arrival wasn't until Jan 15th. And I wasn't nearly this impatient with Ezekiel...

Maybe its the holidays, that staying home over Christmas seems silly if I dont produce a baby over the week. Maybe its that this pregnancy has been a bit harder. Maybe its because I am actually looking forward to the birth this time, excited for it, and in knowledge of what to expect instead of scared and clueless.

Whatever the reason, staying prepared 24/7 is tiring. And disappointing.

Pictures so you know I'm still alive

A picture of my growing belly has been requested. Its true that it has been a while. Mostly I've been avoiding the subject because as you can see...I am now officially huge. I walk like a penguin and at Josh's company Christmas party people kept telling me I looked beautiful but in this really really sad voice.

The Christmas party was a lot of fun, btw and Zeke did beautifully with his babysitter. She said he cried for the first 20 or so minutes and threw a gummy worm on the ground, but other than that had fun. Adria is the best. We all know this to be true. And I only missed Zeke really bad once, when I saw little squares of cheese at the buffet. I grabbed a ton thinking Zeke would love those and then remembered he wasn't there :( Oh and best part: there were people in tuxedos carrying around trays of appetizers. It was my first party fancy enough to actually have that and I am still young enough to think that's pretty snazzy.

When I turn 24 on Friday maybe I will be less impressed...who knows.

Speaking of 24 when I got home from Yoga my boys had decorated the house with streamers and a banner and even bought me a cake!

And to finish, two adorable pictures of Zeke.

A pregnancy update

Perhaps, dare I wish it?...my LAST pregnancy update? No no, dont go holding your breath or anything. In fact, now that I am 37 weeks and could healthfully have this baby it seems my pre-labor contractions have all but stopped. Isnt THAT my luck?

Actually I am feeling very lucky about it. Even during the worst of this pregnancy I knew that I would rather have another late baby then an early one. The latest studies show that babies monitored and born after 42 weeks are no more likely to have complications then term babies, while babies born before 38 have much much higher risks. Of course a few extra weeks are worth a healthy baby. But I will admit, that even on days like today when I feel soo very good, I would rather a term baby then a late one. So little Blueberry? Are you listening? Your daddy and I are really shooting for New Years Eve. Just thought I'd let you know. You know, so you can think about it.

It has been a while since my last update. I will be honest and let you know my silence was due to the golden rule "If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all". For the last few weeks I have NOT had many nice things to say about this pregnancy. Non-stop contractions and feeling huge and a poor tummy stretched and ripping and sleepless nights and horrible pain in my pelvic bone from a head rubbing against it all day. I was beginning to wonder how I was going to last another month (if not longer).

But suddenly then things turned around. The contractions have stopped, I'm sleeping at least 2 or 3 hours at a time again between bathroom breaks. I am huge still but some lovely oil made by a new friend has helped the itching and stretching. My pelvic bone still gets rubbed raw but I try to remember its caused by the lovely head-down-ness I have wanted so much.

I cant concentrate on a single thing, true. The other day I told a friend I'd love to be at her house at 10, only to realize it was 9:30 and we werent dressed, showered, or fed yet. Gifts are being mailed out tomorrow and there wasn't a Christmas card to include with them in sight. I had to use thankyou cards. I could always make cards...but really? The 15 dozen cookies (yes 180 cookies!) I made on Saturday were a miracle within themselves. I only burned 1 tray-full, dropped and shattered 1 mixing bowl, 1 water glass, and 1 lid to my sugar bowl, broke 1 cookie press by over tightening, and completely ruined the fudge. If that is cookie success (and it was) then I dont want to know what would happen if I got out scissors and scrapbooking paper to make cards.

But this brainlessness is just an excuse to do less. I told Josh today I felt really on top of my to-do list this week. Then I realized it was only because I kept crossing things off as unimportant. Vacuuming? Nah, I did it last week...or at least 2 weeks ago. Either way if I'm not wearing my glasses it looks clean!

As my time draws closer its also easier to relish these last days with Zeke. Our last days spent just the two of us, and I will surely miss them. Today we laid in bed for hours. Zeke took one look at the new snow and climbed right back in with me, smart little man. We read books and kissed and sang silly songs and wrestled and ate donuts and milk while still laying on daddy's pillow (shhh dont tell!) These quite mornings will never be the same. Its not that we wont still spend a morning in bed now and then. Or even that we wont have time just the two of us. But it will be different.

We also had a pretty good time in the snow...you know...AFTER all that laying in bed.

We came back inside an hour later with the walkways and driveway shoveled, rosy cheeked and sweaty-haired (should have left my beanie on for the picture, lesson learned). We then devoured the biggest plate of nachos ever seen by man (or by toddler and pregnant woman) and went straight back to bed for a good 3 hour nap.

Yeah...I could have a few more days like this with my little man.

A new netbook

I know its been almost a week. And I also know these long absences make readers assume I have given birth. Sorry, I haven't. Be assured when I do, either I, my husband, or a friend will blog about it on here within 24 hours. Probably within 4 hours. Im addicted like that.

My excuses for THIS absence runs thus: Josh. He attempted to fix my laptop charger and succeeded in breaking it to the point of complete non-compliance last week. You see, before he "fixed" it, it would spark dangerously whenever you moved it, but it DID charge my laptop. After he "fixed" it, it did neither.

I saw this coming. In fact I think I said the words "Honey please don't mess with my laptop because it works right now and whenever you fix something it doesn't work anymore." Then I got a really nasty look.

I think its a great testament to my patience and love that when he came back upstairs and the charger indeed no longer worked I didn't give that nasty look right back. Neither did I say "I told you so", use the word "idiot", or complain during the subsequent days I spend cut off from internet access. (I could have hypothetically gone down into the Labyrinth and used one of Josh's 3 computers. Hypothetically.)

I dont believe in Karma. But I do think my good behavior is in part a cause for what happened next. Josh let me open my birthday present a few weeks early! A new netbook! Its so tiny and adorable. And it turns on without nary a spark anywhere. We've been talking about getting one for me for a while, in part because Josh's laptop with its duel processors and fancy video card and ect ect ect is completely wasted on someone who does absolutely nothing with her computer except blog, check her email, and watch streaming videos from time to time. Also in part because Josh missed his laptop and wanted it back. But no solution was in sight without buying a new one for me. You see, sharing a computer has never worked for us, Josh is always "fixing" things. And we have no space for a desktop upstairs so I couldn't trade him laptop for desktop. Nor in any universe can I spent any amount of time in his basement office...the dreaded labyrinth...without having an anxiety attack. Oh the piles of paperwork and the pop cans everywhere and the clutter clutter clutter. Also I am afraid of basements.

Maybe there IS a universe where I can go down there. But in that universe Josh has the body of Hugh Jackman, I brush my hair every morning, and Zeke is not currently throwing things at me because I took away the oatmeal he was using as body paint.

Anyways, we've been thinking about a netbook. But it was decided to be too expensive and not really necessary as the laptop worked fine for me and Josh didnt really NEED a 4th computer.

But then the sparking began. And my birthday came up. And Josh is completely against spending 60 bucks on a charger when he KNOWS he can fix it...which he still, by the way, knows.

So netbook it is.

Hoorah!

A Christmas cunundrum

First subject: CHRISTMAS
I'm having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. I'm torn, is what it is.

Don't get me wrong, I love the baking, seriously LOVE the baking. Any excuse to eat fudge for breakfast is alright by me. I'm also a big fan of the good cheer, of the holiday spirit and all. Of all the giving to the needy and all the getting together with friends and family, the better attitudes and cheerfulness. I love all the decorations and the twinkling lights and especially decorating the tree.

An aside (I can already tell one of many): Josh and I decorated our tree without Zeke this year, in a coffee-induced midnight-hour high. (since being either pregnant and/or breastfeeding fairly constantly the past few years coffee is a rarity for me and Josh almost never drinks the stuff, so 20 oz of starbucks each made us go a little mad) It seemed sacrilegious as first, leaving him out of the process of tree decorating, but I don't regret it in the least. Much like my decision to leave our pumpkins un-jack 'o lanterned this past Halloween, the next day I was feeling less like a scrooge and more like an intelligent mom that just avoided hell. He will be old enough for these traditions later. You know, when touching pumpkin goop wont send him into a conniption and there is no longer danger of him eating any of the hooks to hang ornaments.

But to get back to the point, in many ways I love Christmas. And I've been trying my hardest to get into the spirit of it. Josh took Zeke out on a special trip to buy food for the needy. I took Zeke over to a friend's house so the kid's could decorate gingerbread houses.
Or maybe so Kaitie and I could decorate gingerbread houses while the kids ran in and out of the room and begged for candy. You decide which actually happened with our 1 year olds.

So Christmas is great in many ways and I try to partake. But I also hate (and have long hated) all the commercialism of it. I hate the gifts. Really, I think Christmas would be 1,000 times better if it weren't for the presents. It's so uneccessary and so stressful (this year I made most of our gifts so it was more time stress than finanical stress, which is better but still fairly stressfull) and so against everything Josh and I believe in and the values we are trying to instill in Zeke. Uhg. Stuff. And the worship of stuff. Its hard enough to raise an American child without Christmas coming once a year.

Which brings me to my next subject: TOYS TOYS TOYS
I blogged recently about the fact that Zeke's list of possessions was getting a bit out of control. I'm not sure how it happened. We bought Zeke (from Santa) some window crayons and a few matchbox cars this year and I swear it was the first 10 dollars we ever spent on toys for him. First Christmas? Daddy-made toyshelf. First Birthday? Radioflyer Wagon (best double stroller-substitute ever). This Christmas? Rocking chair. We dont buy toys.

But we do recieve lots and lots and lots of gifts...and hand me downs. And we love it. Dont think I'm complaining. It has allowed us to save a lot of money on toys. Because a child does need some, after all. But like I said, it was getting out of control. Leaking out of his bedroom and slowly taking over the rest of the house.

But I just finished reading the book Simplicity Parenting.

Second aside: Hands down best parenting book I've read yet. As I joked to Josh, its the best kind of book, one that repeats back to me all my own firmly held beliefs. But joking aside it is an amazing and inspring read. Its not all fluff and opinion and lofty goals, like a lot of parenting books. Its very real, with real steps to accomplish real goals. And best (and rarest) of all, the steps are easily done and the goals honestly achievable.

The writer believes that kids today have plain too much. Too much stuff, too many activities, too much information, and too fast. And it takes you thru 4 sections on how to simplify their (and your) life. The first section is about toys, mostly about how a toy in the midst of a heap of toys cannot be truly cherished, and how simple is better and in many ways less is more. It takes you step by step on exactly how to go about throwing away, giving away, and storing away the excess. The second section is about rythm, and how a very small child is in control of only 3 things: eating, pooping, and sleeping (or more correctly NOT eating sleeping or pooping). And if they feel their life is out of control then they will try to gain some back in one or more of those ways. I love that he doesnt stress a schedule per say, as much as a general pattern of what days are like and clues that something next is coming. He even has a section on how to ease the discomfort if any sort of pattern at all is impossible for your family. The third section is on over-scheduling. Too many activities and why its important for kids to have free time (not time free to be filled but time free to *gasp* be bored). The fourth section is the one on too much information. Kids dont need to know about the economy, the families financial issues, the rain forest, or Iraq. These are adult issues and kids should be kids.

But to get back to the point, the book inspired me to donate a lot...and I mean 2 heaping full garbage bags...of toys.

3rd aside: It also inspired me to feel ok about Zeke not being in any activities for a few more years (I am not depriving him of opportunities, I am giving him the opportunity to be a small child), and to cut back on my computer time (we are great about tv around here but both Josh and I have a serious internet addiction).

I guess I just felt that every hand-me down had to be cherished, that each little mcdonalds thing was lovingly passed down to us and it would be beyond rude to not keep it. They were lovingly passed down to us, and we appreciate it so much, but that doesnt mean that I dont have the ability to lovingly continue the practice with some of them. So into the trash all the broken toys, all the toys with missing pieces and the toys that dont quite work went (a full bag there). And into the donation bag(s) went all the toys that Zeke had too many repeats of, never ever played with, or were plain just hated by me.

And we were left with toys that fit into his bedroom. No overflow. Toys that fit neatly on his shelves with enough space to see each one. An amount of toys that even my 18 month old (tomorrow) can clean up by himself. And Zeke loved it. It was as if without all the clutter and excess he truly had time to enjoy each toy again.

His books (and he has many) I didnt want to donate any of. So I took the advice given to me by so many of you and created a lending library. About 3/4 of his books are in a laundry basket in his closet while the rest sit on his headboard shelf, ready to be read over and over and over again. And when Christmas comes and threatens to overwhelm his little room again I plan on taking a portion of his new toys and a portion of his old and adding them to the basket to be switched out with available toys from time to time. Not only will it cut down on the clutter but it will provide him with something "new" consistantly, which is fun for both of us.

And just so no one thinks I'm abusing my poor son, dont worry, he was still left with a LOT of toys:
Added to this are his 3 under-the-bed drawers which hold individually peek-a-blocks, legos, and his beloved peg board.
And of course there is that basket of bath toys, and a half dozen or so outside toys, and his crayons in the kitchen...

So I suppose they may still be leaking out into the rest of the house. But I feel like I've really gotten some control and its brightened my view of all those wrapped boxes under the tree quite a bit.

Focus

As Zeke and I enter the murky waters of the toddler years together I'm trying to focus on all the wonderful things about this age. Yes, his temper is unpredictable at best. Yes, his needs are never-ending and often suffocating. Yes, when I asked him (in a very sad voice and face) who he thought would possibly do this naughty naughty thing, this drawing on mommy's walls that I had found, he looked at me with an equally sad face and voice and said "daddy".

But:

- Ezekiel has his father's gentle nature. I will never stop being thankful for it. Not only because it is such a wonderful trait but because it is so beautiful to see Josh in Zeke. Zeke is always there when I'm upset, rubbing my arm or offering me his treasured blanket to snuggle. He is always so compassionate and gentle to smaller children and to animals. Always so concerned to hear a baby cry. He never fails to give me my good morning kiss and hug, no matter how busy he may be to get to his toys. As much as I can hope that he retains this trait and that he grows to be a man as gentle in voice and spirit as his father, I know it will not always be exactly like it is now. The world will get to him, my little boy.

- He takes such joy in our joy. Zeke is never happier than when we are all together as a family, the 3 of us, and laughing at some silliness or another. His giggles always mingle with our own, even if he couldn't possibly understand the joke. He is just happy that we are happy and his happiness always quadruples our own. His laughter is infectious and Ezekiel laughs all day. It wont be long before we are not his favorite playmates.

-He is my ever present helper. Even aside from the small "chores" that we have been implementing (carrying the milk jugs to the recycling bin, sweeping under the table after meals, feeding the turtles, and picking up his toys at bedtime) he is always eager to help. I rarely roll up my sleeves in the kitchen without Zeke ready to hand me clean dishes from the dishwasher or a pan from a low cupboard (saving me that last foot of bending over), or throw away that bit of apple core, or stir that instant pudding. I never sort dirty laundry without him right by my side, also pulling out all those shirts and pants. And if I get out a sponge, then he needs his as well. He always comes to tell us when the teapot is whistling or the oven has beeped and he keeps an eye out for Ziggy's return when he goes outside and is always the first to notice him scratching at the door to be let back in. Soon, though, Zeke will find better things to do with his time then help mommy all day long and chores will be a battle.

Lessons from a 1 year old

One of my favorite things about mothering a toddler is that he always fully engaged in the moment. I may spend my life bouncing from the future and the past like some quarter machine bouncy ball but my son, the little Zen master, really knows how to live. I will be so busy in hand and in mind; ironing, stirring pots, fretting over lists and (i will admit) lists of my lists and Zeke will walk over to me and lift his arms, "Hold me," he seems to say "I am little now...and we are together now. It won't always be so." And he is so very right. There will always be clothing to iron, pots that need stirring, lists to cross off. But this...this wont always be so. On the best of days I find myself sitting on the kitchen floor, tomato sauce boiling over and ignored, while we sing and kiss and giggle. On my best days I let Ezekiel teach me HIS way of living, instead of struggling to teach him mine.

I truly hope he wins.

Also, just so you know, he's really been working on his big brother skills.

A moment of clarity

This week was a difficult one, I will admit that. 1. I was exhausted from too many sleepless nights and near constant contractions, 2. Zeke was having a difficult time controlling/releasing his emotions and I was having a difficult time teaching him the correct ways of doing so/comforting him in his confusion 3. The mixture of the above two situations was putting me in a really dark place, of self doubt and loneliness and anxiety and I was having a harder and harder time pulling myself above the mire.

Thursday was a big day for turn-around for me however and I am beginning to see the light again. When I returned home with such severe contractions my midwife recommended a few dietary changes, including adding a calcium/magnesium supplement. The latest theory being that I was low on certain minerals and my muscles weakened because of it. It makes sense. Let's not forget what my body has been thru the last 4 years.

REVIEW:
2006/December: miscarriage.
2007/June: miscarriage.
2008/June: happy and huge at 9+ months.
2009/June- 8 weeks pregnant again and weaning my son.
2009/December- Well that brings me to now. Happy and huge again.

The short of that...well short story...is that it would be no freaking surprise if my body is a little deprived. I've been putting it thru a lot.

I'm not 100% sure that it was because of the extra minerals or just because but by Thursday things had slowed down again considerably and have been more "normal" since. Meaning I am still contracting for a bit each day but they arent painful anymore. So that helped a lot with problem number 1...exhaustion and contractions.

Problem number 1 was also aided by Josh calling in sick from work on Thursday, although that was mostly as a band-aid for problem number 3, growing depression and anxiety. Josh and I both suffer from off-again, on-again, depression and we've learned to pick up on each other's signs, as well as the best ways to help pull each other out. My wonderful husband knew that a morning of sleep and an afternoon of crossing things off lists would do wonders for my ability to cope and head off any bigger problems. Also how depressed can you stay after a day with these two?

Problem number 3 was also aided a lot today, being my baby shower day. I couldnt believe how many peole came and being surrounded and reminded of all the wonderful friends I have here in Spokane, so full of love and support for me, was enlightening in ways I cant discribe. So thank you, girls. For being there for me in so many ways.

Problem 2...Zeke's tantrums. Well there is really not much I can do about that. He is 1. He doesn't fully understand his emotions yet and cant be expected to control or express them. I am being newly inspired, however, and beautifully encouraged by above-mentioned wonderful friends on different ways of teaching Zeke to begin to do so...to control and to express. And I am finding new patience every day.

At this point, it's all a blur

As soon as I arrived home I found that I was retreating further and further into myself. Maybe it's the fact that my braxton-hicks contractions are more intense then ever. I would say since Saturday night I've had 3-7 good rounds of contractions every day. It's pretty much a few hours on and then a few hours off at this point and the intensity can range from barely noticeable to me rocking on my hands and knees on the floor and moaning. Maybe though it's just the simple fact that I am seriously nearing my birthing time at this point, braxton-hicks aside I am now T-minus 35 days to my due date and "after Thanksgiving" was always when I figured I'd get really prepared.

For one reason or another, though, the days are passing me in a slow motion blur as my focus becomes increasingly internal and it's getting harder and harder to focus on the outside world. Oh yeah, I will realize, my baby shower is this weekend, and my drivers license is about to expire (anyone else shocked that my last name has been changed for 5 freaking years already?) so I need to go to the DMV, oh and dont forget Christmas shopping needs to be done, and the tree needs to be bought, put up, and decorated...I have old toys collected to be donated, new toys bought that need to be donated, Christmas baking to be done...yet I still never get up from the couch.

December is not the optimum month to be spacing out but at the same time I am trying to allow it as much as I can because I know its an important part of my process. All of that to say that no, you havent been left off of our Christmas card list, I just decided I'm not in a head-space at all to get one more thing finished and made the decision to skip them this year. Also, sorry to all my freinds for the fact that I am barely around mentally or physically...I am meaning to call you, I promise, I just cant seem to focus enough to dial. And sorry too to my blog readers, who are being ignored right now. I had all these plans for great holiday WFDW posts, I was going to do a "Day in the Life" post where I take pictures all day of just normal activities (an idea stolen from Ivory that I just LOVE...what a treasure for myself to loo back on), I was going to do a post talking about all the fun and exciting new developments Zeke has been going thru, and of course I still havent done a review of Hypnobabies. Some of that will be scrapped, some put off until after the birth, others I may get around to.

I will be back sooner or later, though. Right now I'm just stuck in this crazy, cloudy, head-space and cant concentrate on anything at all. I'm finding that it doesnt really matter that I've done this before, this transformation into motherhood. Bringing a child into this world is apparently going to be just as intenstly internal, just as emotionally challenging, no matter if its my first time or 18th time doing so. That makes sense, but it is somehow surprising.