At this point, it's all a blur

As soon as I arrived home I found that I was retreating further and further into myself. Maybe it's the fact that my braxton-hicks contractions are more intense then ever. I would say since Saturday night I've had 3-7 good rounds of contractions every day. It's pretty much a few hours on and then a few hours off at this point and the intensity can range from barely noticeable to me rocking on my hands and knees on the floor and moaning. Maybe though it's just the simple fact that I am seriously nearing my birthing time at this point, braxton-hicks aside I am now T-minus 35 days to my due date and "after Thanksgiving" was always when I figured I'd get really prepared.

For one reason or another, though, the days are passing me in a slow motion blur as my focus becomes increasingly internal and it's getting harder and harder to focus on the outside world. Oh yeah, I will realize, my baby shower is this weekend, and my drivers license is about to expire (anyone else shocked that my last name has been changed for 5 freaking years already?) so I need to go to the DMV, oh and dont forget Christmas shopping needs to be done, and the tree needs to be bought, put up, and decorated...I have old toys collected to be donated, new toys bought that need to be donated, Christmas baking to be done...yet I still never get up from the couch.

December is not the optimum month to be spacing out but at the same time I am trying to allow it as much as I can because I know its an important part of my process. All of that to say that no, you havent been left off of our Christmas card list, I just decided I'm not in a head-space at all to get one more thing finished and made the decision to skip them this year. Also, sorry to all my freinds for the fact that I am barely around mentally or physically...I am meaning to call you, I promise, I just cant seem to focus enough to dial. And sorry too to my blog readers, who are being ignored right now. I had all these plans for great holiday WFDW posts, I was going to do a "Day in the Life" post where I take pictures all day of just normal activities (an idea stolen from Ivory that I just LOVE...what a treasure for myself to loo back on), I was going to do a post talking about all the fun and exciting new developments Zeke has been going thru, and of course I still havent done a review of Hypnobabies. Some of that will be scrapped, some put off until after the birth, others I may get around to.

I will be back sooner or later, though. Right now I'm just stuck in this crazy, cloudy, head-space and cant concentrate on anything at all. I'm finding that it doesnt really matter that I've done this before, this transformation into motherhood. Bringing a child into this world is apparently going to be just as intenstly internal, just as emotionally challenging, no matter if its my first time or 18th time doing so. That makes sense, but it is somehow surprising.

3 comments:

Jen said...

Your baby shower is this weekend?

Bill said...

Sweety....let your husband do most of the "outside world" stuff so you can relax and take care of yourself.

Melissa aka Equidae said...

dont worry to much about these things...everything can wait nothing is important...just relax and elt yourself be lost in your world