we’ll all hold up the traffic for a few minutes

Note: This post was originally a part of my old online journal (which as of today no longer exists). It has been back-posted onto this blog for...we'll say sentimental reasons? I cant lose my teenage angst after all...it has to live somewhere other than the memories of my parents.


so i'm back. i guess. and i had over 100 messages, so i was forced to just delete them all. sorry.

anyways, catch up. i live in spokane now. a city fit for me, a city made for me perhaps and i'm just egotistical enough to believe it. in all reality josh and i wont be here much longer. but in all reality josh and i will be completely different people leading different existences all together by the time that time comes. so for now, for this second, spokane and i are beautifully aligned.

i love spokane. i do, not matter how hard it is for the locals to believe. i especially love the south hill. all the "grown ups" at work keep telling me that josh and i should plan on moving to the valley but i'll never do it. you might be able to drag me kicking and screaming to the north side...maybe. although it reminds me painstakingly of west boise. but never never will i live willingly in spokane valley ive decided. its a city without a soul. the south hill, on the other hand, the south hill is truly a home for me, one of my first real homes.

yes, spokane is perfect for this chapter of my life. i love its ugliness, overgrown like a weed, and blocking all sunlight. i love its dirty streets and grey skies. i love the immense and archaic churches on every corner, almost as many churches as the cliche broken down factores we have in abundance, almost as many as the homeless that seem to crowd every street. yet i love it all, it reflects every part of my aching soul. this city and i belong together, each striving to be something better than we are, each failing miserably. spokane and i understand each other.

and josh and i are having our wedding soon. i think we've gone past caring about the whole mess and its enough to suffice we get a really really big party in september and i get to wear an absolutely gorgeous big white princess dress. fit for any elementary school girls dreams.

i write, i work, i have a whole new set of 2 year olds to drive me crazy 7-3, monday thru friday. sometimes i play, ok, almost every second i play. i dont know. life is all different. i dont know what it is, growing up perhaps but its suddenly all changing the past year or so, slipping into something new, redefining reason and without a hint of warning, falling out of focus, detracting and rewinding...and with my head turned over my shoulder i am watching my own shadow as it follows in confusion; connected but not attached...

but its also all the same in a way. me, wanting to and trying to remove all those old tiny storms in my head. they are only distractions, only particles, only sirens that proceed to incubate my weakness and isolate my echo... i'm realizing that i can do this. but some weeks its still slow work.
i'm still reaching out for all the appropriate ways to emote, seeking my own intrigue, examining my own beliefs, altering my desires, trying to contemplate, attempting to heal, remembering what brought me here, to this frame of mind... i'm still alive, still consciously aware that i must allow myself to breathe... but i'm still just a girl in the end, hung like a puppet from my emotions in other words.

i'm living by way of day to day distraction, i think mostly we all are, trying not to scrape our skin, trying not to taste our blood. and when i cant i usually just crawl inside josh for a while and i cry and he probably thinks i'm a little silly for all of it but hasnt that always been my way? hasnt that always been his way?

its not a brave existance but i was never brave and for once i'm happy.