The New Rules
Yep, I have entered that time. That time that no woman should ever have to enter.
Luckily I planned well and as per tradition (if two times a tradition makes) spent my due date getting a pedicure and then eating dinner out with my best friends. Not as fun as having a baby, but at least when I DO have the baby my toes will look delicious.
But the point of this post was that now that I receive the mandatory 5 or 6 phone calls or emails a day asking if I am still pregnant, I have a couple rules to establish. Rules for me in particular but honestly...these are rules for pretty much any nearly or over due woman. I say all this at the risk of being rude but I don't really mind at this point, because I may save myself (and countless other poor woman) the tragedy of the following comments, which are NOT EVER allowed:
(Yes, I have received ALL of these comments in the last week)
"Are you still pregnant?" Unless you are in a relationship to said pregnant woman that really might leave you uninformed when the baby is born (I swear, mom, I'll let you know) and you really have a reason to have to know (curiosity doesnt count) you are not allowed to ask this question.
"Why don't you just induce?/strip your membranes?/break your water/other form of induction?" or in a related field "When will you ect?" or "You should just ect." I am well informed. I know these option are available. I don't need to be reminded of them 40 times a day.
"I went over my due date and I was not nearly as pathetically wimpy and complainy as you. You should be like me." or related "I loved being pregnant, I never wanted it to end" You are either a liar or a robot. Either way I am no longer interested in your conversation.
"You look ready to burst!" or any other comment on my size. Also pointing out the fact that I am waddling (yes, I have noticed, thank you) and/or cant bend over (I am also aware of this).
"This will be just like Zeke and you wont ever go into labor." That comment is particular to me but really any horror story that comes up into your pretty little head can be left to yourself. I have been told (so far) that I will never go into labor, that my body is broken and obviously unable to go into labor, that my placenta is surely no longer in working order I have been pregnant sooo long, and that if I wait too long the baby will be too big to be born vaginally. All before my actual due date. And along with each of these lovely nuggets of obvious wisdom have come stories of other women or "medical facts" that prove this to be true. Scaring sleep deprived women helps no one.
Maybe this is the same as the above but it bears repeating: Any and all comments that my personal medical decisions are dangerous/ill advised/stupid/martyr-ish. I pay someone for this kind of advice. You are not that person.
You may be left wondering "Well then what am I allowed to say?" Although I hope what you are actually wondering is "Who would ever say such things?" I know the answer to be: everyone I currently know. So, yes, I will be sooo kind as to give you a few helpful hints.
Compliment my person, my family, my home.
Give me pure, unadulterated pity.
Comment on the horrible weather. (ALL weather is horrible at 40 weeks)
Offer me icecream.
On a lighter and brighter note: I actually don't feel all THAT bad. I wish this crazy off and on again fever would stop. We cant figure out what's causing it in the first place, despite numerous cultures and tests and lists and lists of questions from my midwife about any and all symptoms. At first we though flu. Then infection. Then maybe pre-eclamspia. But it is proving to be none of those. I will blame hormones. If the fever comes back again we have decided to just take some antibiotics for (apparently) the hell of it since that is all my midwife's back-up could recommend when we ended up calling her.
****I am updating this post to tell everyone that the only thing the latest culture found was E Coli. E Coli!! For some reason I think that is the funniest thing that has ever ever happened to me. Since feeling crampy and having loose stools is par for the course when you are preggo, I never considered an intestinal infection. Anyways, now we know.****
I also wish these freaking stupid contractions would stop. Either that or get stronger and produce a baby. I blame all of my impatience and crankiness on the fact that I've had sooooo maaaany braxton hicks contractions this pregnancy. I am sick of the word contraction. I hate both braxton and hick. If those are people. Which I assume but do no actually know.
But I'm surviving. And my fingers and toes look great.
And Zeke has taken to wearing this scarf absolutely everywhere we go. Which entertains me to no end. It was a Christmas gift (to me) that he took to right away. At first we thought it would end with that day (Christmas) but he has worn it almost every day since then as well.
He thinks he looks pretty snazzy.
He has also been cooking up a storm. Yes, those are real apple slices he is preparing for the oven. And yes, that is my frying pan on his stove, despite the fact that the frying pan the playset comes with is much more appropriately sized.
We might want to invest in a football or something...