I'm trying to savor this one

Daddy, holding a wildly jumping baby, says "This boys' legs are getting strong, I think it's time I bring up the jumper from the basement." and though my mind knows that it's true, my heart cant help but whisper "no".


At dinner time, as Mal reaches and strains for my plate, finally grabbing a piece of bread and trying to stuff it into his mouth as fast as can be, I get that same gentle look from across the table, "He might be ready for some cereal soon, maybe we should pick some up at the store." And my heart of heart pleads, "No, he's still so little..."


This child I am trying to savor. Every moment I'm trying to hold onto because I know from experience that these moments wont last long. In those few minutes of afternoon quiet, when I know I have the choice between taking a nap, or tackling the laundry, or maybe reading a few chapters, I find myself instead just watching him sleep. So soon and he will be a defiantly independent toddler, so soon and he will be a man. And my heart says "no."


Not my oldest child, God willing not my youngest. I know my time to savor Malachi will perhaps be the shortest of all my children.


My happy Malachi. Easy-going and ever-patient, he is easy to sometimes overlook. He has a story to tell, though, this child. Born talking and I don't think he has stopped once since. And I cant wait for the day that he finds the words to tell it. I will be his most avid listener.

But at the same time I whisper "no". Our stories will diverge, at some point. There will be parts I dont know, parts he doesnt want to tell me. Words meant for other ears.

But at least I will know his first word was mine.



Josh refuses to hear it, but he's said it at least 6 times now.

Finding Myself

Baby feet are about my favorite thing ever.

Especially this ones' feet.


This video is about a week old now. Zeke wanted me to take a picture of him doing a somersault but I think saying "go" confused him, lol.

Anyways, now that the grandmas are satisfied. Quite suddenly I am finding that at some point over the last few months I found my footing. I thought the addition of another child in our lives would just throw me more off balance but somehow having Mal has actually steadied me. For the first time in two years, hell, maybe for the first time ever, I know exactly who I am. I've found myself.

I feel like maybe I've got this motherhood thing down. I mean, I am still growing, I am still learning; my kids will always have the ability to stretch me, to bewilder me, to challenge me. But I'm not ALWAYS the mom at the playdate with the questions. Sometimes, just sometimes, I am the mom with an answer. Breastfeeding, baby-wearing...there are all subjects that I've quite mastered. I dont doubt myself so much anymore, I dont feel the need to scrutinize Mals achievements, or his sleeping habits, I dont feel the need for constant approval. I believe in myself as a mother and I actually think that I have a better answer then everyone else when it comes to my own kids.

And not only am I finding myself as "mother" but I'm finding MYSELF. When I had Zeke I lost a lot of me. It always happens; it has to happen, up to a point. Children are all-encompassing, especially for a stay at home mom. And no matter how I tried to keep up with politics and news and freinds and my own interests, you just dont have the time for it. But more and more I'm picking up my old self. Im renewing my interests in music, actually finding new bands I enjoy. I'm reading and studying challenging books again. Not parenting books, not my old familiar standbys, not the latest big hits...but the classics of literature that I used to enjoy and study. The Brothers Karamazov, Shogun, books I've been putting off because I'm "just too tired". Im renewing my old love of thrifting, I never gave up great shoes but I'm starting to go back to searching for hours upon hours for that perfect eclectic dress, that unforgettable jacket. Walking into Salvation Army gave me some serious high school flashbacks. I'm being creative again, I'm gardening, I'm singing.

Suddenly I feel like this balancing act; this Mother, Wife, Lover, Friend, Christian, Artist, Activist, Blogger, Reader, Gardener, Singer, ect, ect, balancing act of everything I am isnt quite so hard anymore. They are finally coming together to create a person that knows who she is.

Maybe its just because I'm 24 now, almost 24 and a half, and I'm actually beginning to be an adult.

But it feels nice.

Dont judge us

This game wont come back to haunt us at all...

Lessons from a 1 year old

One of my favorite things about mothering a toddler is that he always fully engaged in the moment. I may spend my life bouncing from the future and the past like some quarter machine bouncy ball but my son, the little Zen master, really knows how to live. I will be so busy in hand and in mind; ironing, stirring pots, fretting over lists and (i will admit) lists of my lists and Zeke will walk over to me and lift his arms, "Hold me," he seems to say "I am little now...and we are together now. It won't always be so." And he is so very right. There will always be clothing to iron, pots that need stirring, lists to cross off. But this...this wont always be so. On the best of days I find myself sitting on the kitchen floor, tomato sauce boiling over and ignored, while we sing and kiss and giggle. On my best days I let Ezekiel teach me HIS way of living, instead of struggling to teach him mine.

I truly hope he wins.

Also, just so you know, he's really been working on his big brother skills.

New Things

Sorry my updates are pretty sporadic lately. It seems I think about nothing but buying a house, do nothing but look up info on houses, school districts, crime rates, ect. I am getting tired of it and want the ball to start rolling! As requested, here's the link to some pictures of the house I am in love with. Ooh and ahh away.

We are going to go look at it again on Saturday. But we are also going to look at another one that day on the (dun dun dun to Kim who will be REALLY mad) South Hill (Kim was ecstatic that I was planning on going NORTH). It looks gorg. but I'm not getting my hopes up. Its a good $10,000 more than we can afford and already about $40,000 under priced, I doubt they will lower another 10! But Josh wants to go see it anyways and I dont mind.

In non-house news Josh has taught Zeke some new things. How to whistle and how to roll a ball!

Oh the hilarity....

Zeke apparently takes great joy in his mommy's defeat...



Yep that is right, "darnit" is officially the funniest word ever. It was first said when Josh wanted chocolate cake instead of my favorite, yellow. And it caused this kind of laughing over and over and over again after that.

And yep, that is also right, I dont know how to make the video go rightways....

Lol

Lol, you have to love this video. I just took it an hour ago while we ate dinner (its banana all over Ezekiel's face). He was being so funny, shaking his head "no" to every question we asked.

Also an example, while I'm here and loading them up, from my very failed 6 month photo shoot. Seriously, this evil face might be the best I got. We like to call this his Jack Nicholson face.

Do you think the baby jesus slept through the night?

Josh says he didn't. But I like to imagine that he did. Sleeping through the night is a popular subject around here lately. Because guess who doesn't anymore? Zeke has developed major separation anxiety, or something like it. He wont abide being left alone. If he wakes up and he's alone he screams holy terror. So the last week or so, around midnight or 1 or if we've been really patient 3 am either Josh or I have moved to Zeke's floor and slept there. Its ridiculous. We don't even touch him, but as long as we are in there he falls fast asleep. If we aren't he wakes up over and over, getting more upset each time. This weekend we decided that this situation is NOT working. And since we still both firmly don't believe in letting our son scream in terror for a few hours every night for a week we did the only thing we could think to do, we moved his crib into our room. I feel defeated but also glad that I am the kind of parent that is responding to my child's needs and not necessarily what he is "supposed" to be doing. Zeke does things in his own time. And I know that raising kids is 2 steps forward, 1 step back. This is one step back.

Also on a step back? He doesn't eat anymore. Don't get me wrong, he nurses. He would nurse all day if I let him, just a drink here and a drink there and playing all the while. But solids? Meh, he's over that. So we offer in the morning and at night and shrug it off. I find the longer I am a parent, the more I shrug.

In other news, I'm starting another weekly segment, a verse of the week. See it up there in the top left? This is actually something I've done personally for, say, 2 years now. I'm supposed to be memorizing them. Yeah right. I am awful at memorization. I'll have it for 3 or 4 weeks and then, poof, its gone. But at least I try right? And now I'll share them with you. And for this week I'll get slightly Christmasy, just a little. "Behold the bondslave of the Lord; may it be done to me according to your word." Mary says it in Luke 1:38. I've always loved that line. You see, the angel Gabriel just told her that she was preggers, unmarried. She knew no one was going to believe she was a virgin, no one did. She knew she would be ostracized by everyone, she was. This wasn't really good news. But she just accepts. Because its what the Lord had planned. I never accept. I always fight. I want to be more like Mary.

And a picture, because you havent had one is so very long. Isnt Zeke such a big boy now in his new carseat?
And some baby giggles, because we could all use some sometimes.

Zeke will be crawling any day now. Seriously. Josh and I's bet (Josh-before Thanksgiving; me-after) will be a close one. 8 days to go.

In other news, and this might be TMI and if so, too bad, but Ezekiel has not pooped in 1 week tomorrow. At first I thought it was just because he ate a WHOLE banana Thursday night. But now I'm getting a little concerned. I tried to feed him applesauce a couple days ago to get things going but he didn't like it. So then I tried some watered down apple juice this morning...his first juice experience. It also didn't go well. He found the apple juice in the bottle insulting or something, he wouldn't take it. So then at the grocery store I bought a tippy cup. Well he's not really ready for it yet I don't think (nor did I really expect him to be). He LOVED chewing on it and playing with it, and he even held it really well and got it into his mouth. But he wouldn't suck. And so I tried removing the little thingy that keeps it from spilling so it would dribble into his mouth. He probably got 2 ounces all over himself and 1 in his mouth...if I'm lucky... So now we are going to try pear for dinner. The taste wont be as strong as apple, I think, so maybe he will like it. And I think if he doesn't poop tomorrow I will call Dr Morgan because I am out of ideas! Any one have any?

One thing is for sure. Zeke is only allowed a half banana at a time from now on!

Also, look at Zeke's adorable hair! I bought him some product, its called Surf Hair or something like that, lol. I also cut two little sections that have been driving me insane. They were WAY longer then everything else.

Hoorah!

Hoorah done with chores! I told myself no posting until you are finished Courtney Clark!

This is the only thing I can say Hoorah to today however. Zeke got better at sleeping and then the last 2 days worse again. Compacted with this trend is the fact that Josh and I dont have nearly the patience of last week. So he ended up in our bed the last two nights at around 2 am. Such is life. Starting this week I am implementing Kait's advice and putting Zeke's naps more on a schedule. But I am also going to realize that Zeke is teething and has extra needs right now.

At least I think he's teething. His gums look and feel normal but he just whines and whines all day every day and knaws and knaws on everything he can get his hands on. His gripe water doesn't seem to help, but the teething tablets I gave him last night might have. Its hard to tell what helped when you've tried 100 things ya know? This is just not like him. Being so fussy all the time. So SOMETHING is up. I hope its not an ear infection or something like that but no fever so I feel stupid taking him in to Dr Morgan.

For the good part, however.

Do you think he realizes he is flirting with himself?


Baby in Daddy's hat. (It was early and his hat was sitting there from coming home from work the night before...what can I say?)


So Ezekiel has been getting cranky on his daily walks, twice I ended up letting him sit on the handle bars. (of course I was holding him!) Then I had the most obvious eureka moment ever. Instead of snapping his car seat on, why not let him sit like a big boy? Duh! Anyways, he loves it.


And this is Zeke right before I posted this. (Right now he's taking his late nap...in my arms because I'm too lazy to walk upstairs...hence slow typing) As you can see he's still not really big enough. But I think he likes his jeep, he was steering away. What a natural. Thanks G-ma Tammy and G-pa Keith!

PS. Yes I use the Bible for other purposes as well, its not just a foot stool to us. Its also a door stopper or paper weight. Just kidding! I really do read this to him I promise!

Aaaaand a video! Then Im finished one finger typing!

So many new things

First I just have to mention that I was just sitting here thinking, man I have a LOT to do today. Usually by Friday I have all my weekly chores finished but somehow this week I barely managed to finish half of them so far, and I am confident I wont finish the rest today. And I was wondering why. And then I realized this is my 3rd post this week... Hm maybe related?

In fact I distinctly remember a load of laundry waiting last post...and this post? Oh, there's vacuuming and sweeping and a cake to be made for the BBQ tomorrow. I suppose I just feel no drive to get anything productive done at naptime this week. I will blame the rain.

Anyways, Zeke is a completely different baby this week it seems. He started laughing, he started rolling over to his stomach (more on this later), most importantly he started grabbing things. I say most importantly because this is what has changed our lives the most. Nothing is safe any longer. Especially not my food. I don't know how many times I had to wipe his hand clean at Bangkok Thai on Wednesday. I dont want him sucking on that spicy stuff! Also I crocheted him a hat this week because it was so cold and while he has a beanie it is WAY too big for his tiny (comparatively) head. And it was harder then expected. Why you ask? Well because no matter how many toys I put in front of him all Zeke wanted was my crochet hook. He knew the best toy must be what mommy was playing with. Also his new favorite dinner game is knock his toys off his tray. This keeps him off my lap and therefor out of my food but of course, he gets very angry when there are no toys left. Oh the joys of this game. I will have many months of it to look forward to.

Now, to go back to the rolling onto his stomach thing. I HATE this. It freaks me out to find him on his tummy at night. He's not particularly good at it, it takes quite the effort, and a lot of times he only manages to turn 90 degrees. But the last 2 nights I've woken up to Zeke on his tummy in his crib. It does have a plus. He sleeps better this way. Last night I only got up 3 times, at 1 and then at 6 to feed and once between that because he was on his stomach and couldn't get onto his side like he was trying to. It was kind of funny, he was getting so mad. But I flipped him over and he went right out. And the night before that I only got up twice, both feedings. That's a huge improvement over the uncountable times its been lately, most of them for no reason at all. And I know this is directly related to the tummy sleeping. But I still hate it. I've heard a lot that as soon as they are doing it on their own SIDS is no longer an issue, but he cant always get off his tummy (like last night) so I dont actually think he's ready. Oh well, there's not much I can do about it. Except reap the benefits I suppose. Though Im not holding my breath. He's had these good days before only to wake up 300 times the next night.

Oh yeah, one last piece of info. I weighed him yesterday because I was curious. 17 pounds. 3 and a half months and he's 17 pounds! He outgrows his car seat at 22...I wonder how much longer we will last? I'm not sure what to do however. I cant find any convertible car seats that rear face for over 35 pounds. Which he just might hit at this rate before he turns 1, which is the earliest I can legally forward face him. Maybe he will stop growing?

Pictures!Playing with his froggy. Dont tell Zebra but he's fallen out of favor a bit this week. You see, Zebra does not make that lovely crinkle sound. My son is a bit fickle it seems.

All ready for the cold weather in his new hat. White, Josh and I decided, is a bit girly but its the only color I had on hand. Maybe I'll buy some new yarn this weekend.


Ezekiel's new jumperoo! I bought it at the consignment sale earlier today and Zeke loves it already. He doesnt quite jump yet but he kicks a little bit. Mostly he just enjoys the standing I think. He's still about an inch shy for his jeep, but I bet when he's tall enough he loves that too!

And lastly a video of some giggles.


PS I was scrapbooking (so close to catching up on the baby book by the by) and talking to myself when I realized that even when alone I now refer to myself in the 3rd person as "mommy". I might talk to Ezekiel too much. Although it is a good excuse to constantly talk...

Thanks

Thanks everyone for the advice and the empathy! It helps to know my baby is not the only one with night issues. I will borrow that book from you, Kim for sure. I've heard good things about it before. And I've thought maybe we were starting the teething process because of some daytime behaviors, so you are right, it could be affecting his nights as well.

And I will also think about making his naps a bit more scheduled Kait. So far I have been pretty much letting him do his own thing and that might be part of the problem as well. Though I'm not really sure about that. He goes to bed at the same time (give or take half an hour) almost every night, and with very little fighting most nights. And he wakes up (give or take a half hour) at the same time too. We are 8-8 around here almost like clockwork. And when he wakes up at night its not a long process to get him back down. A bink back in the mouth, a pat on the back, or a short feeding. He's not really getting up to play, just to be comforted and told he's not alone.

I am going to do what I can but mostly I'll adopt Amber's attitude. This too SHALL pass. Its just part of the process of raising a baby and you have to take the good with the bad. Its not even the worst part of raising a baby really. I think Amber's got it worse with potty training ;)

Anyways, pictures!

This is the laundry pile that I am currently avoiding. Yay for using nap time for the internet! Seriously, however, how does a child that small make SO MUCH LAUNDRY? He makes as much if not more laundry then I do and my clothes are much bigger.

An exciting development of last night. Zeke was playing with this toy before bed! He was reaching and grabbing it and he's never done that before! Josh and I were very impressed.

Zeke sits in his chair every morning while I shower now. Its so nice, I can shower every day now, AND in the morning! Anyways... I forgot to buckle him in and this is what I came out of the shower to.

This is just DANG CUTE. My son the ladies man in a sweater vest.

And here is a video. Josh thinks Zeke will be crawling any day now. I think its more like any month now. Before Christmas but after Halloween for sure. That does not stop us from daily torturing him.

I've learned how to post videos!!! So here is one of Zeke doing his tummy time. Josh and I swear it looks like he is trying to crawl. He kicks his legs and moves his arms with all of his might but his poor little body doesn't lift off the ground at all, its so funny. It will be MONTHS before he is crawling and Thank God because I love him immobile.

And there are two pictures this week. The first is Zeke on his way to his first doctor's appointment, coincidentally also his first even semi-chilly day. It was about 70....I might have gone a little overboard, I was in shorts and a tank top. The second is Zeke's patty-cake face. Of course only daddy gets THIS face. Evidently daddy is his favorite artist, mommy's patty-cake is a poor remake...