Finding Myself

Baby feet are about my favorite thing ever.

Especially this ones' feet.

video
This video is about a week old now. Zeke wanted me to take a picture of him doing a somersault but I think saying "go" confused him, lol.

Anyways, now that the grandmas are satisfied. Quite suddenly I am finding that at some point over the last few months I found my footing. I thought the addition of another child in our lives would just throw me more off balance but somehow having Mal has actually steadied me. For the first time in two years, hell, maybe for the first time ever, I know exactly who I am. I've found myself.

I feel like maybe I've got this motherhood thing down. I mean, I am still growing, I am still learning; my kids will always have the ability to stretch me, to bewilder me, to challenge me. But I'm not ALWAYS the mom at the playdate with the questions. Sometimes, just sometimes, I am the mom with an answer. Breastfeeding, baby-wearing...there are all subjects that I've quite mastered. I dont doubt myself so much anymore, I dont feel the need to scrutinize Mals achievements, or his sleeping habits, I dont feel the need for constant approval. I believe in myself as a mother and I actually think that I have a better answer then everyone else when it comes to my own kids.

And not only am I finding myself as "mother" but I'm finding MYSELF. When I had Zeke I lost a lot of me. It always happens; it has to happen, up to a point. Children are all-encompassing, especially for a stay at home mom. And no matter how I tried to keep up with politics and news and freinds and my own interests, you just dont have the time for it. But more and more I'm picking up my old self. Im renewing my interests in music, actually finding new bands I enjoy. I'm reading and studying challenging books again. Not parenting books, not my old familiar standbys, not the latest big hits...but the classics of literature that I used to enjoy and study. The Brothers Karamazov, Shogun, books I've been putting off because I'm "just too tired". Im renewing my old love of thrifting, I never gave up great shoes but I'm starting to go back to searching for hours upon hours for that perfect eclectic dress, that unforgettable jacket. Walking into Salvation Army gave me some serious high school flashbacks. I'm being creative again, I'm gardening, I'm singing.

Suddenly I feel like this balancing act; this Mother, Wife, Lover, Friend, Christian, Artist, Activist, Blogger, Reader, Gardener, Singer, ect, ect, balancing act of everything I am isnt quite so hard anymore. They are finally coming together to create a person that knows who she is.

Maybe its just because I'm 24 now, almost 24 and a half, and I'm actually beginning to be an adult.

But it feels nice.

2 comments:

Darcel said...

I haven't been here in a while. Congrats On your newest addition!
Another congrats on finding yourself. I was 25 when my 1st was born, and 27 when my 2nd was born. I also felt I had found myself with the birth of my 2nd child.

I know exactly what you mean about being the mom with the answers, instead of the mom with all of the questions. It feels good.

Number 3 is due in 5-7 weeks. Hopefully I'll continue to feel confident.

Sheena said...

Thanks for the reminder. I too have been finding myself more and more. Maybe because with one child, one gets bewildered. With two, you are really forced into the role of "Mother." I really like my new self!