I often have a hard time dealing with the....smallness...of my life.
I wanted to be a great writer, a great missionary. A great do-er of great things. I wanted (and still want) to be a woman of God, the kind of woman that really MAKES A DIFFERENCE in the lives around her.
I have pretty much accepted however that the few poems I published in high school and the few weeks I spent during much the same time in Mexico is about all the "greatness" my life is going to offer.
Instead I find myself first a wife, then a mother, and only after that (when there is TIME for an after that) am I anything else, and then mostly I'm just tired. Then there is the fact that I am at best a mediocre Christian. The Lord only knows how little I actually try some days.
And then this verse comes to me:
He who is faithful in a very little thing is faithful also in much; and he who is unrighteous in a very little thing is unrighteous also in much. Luke 16:10.
And it hits me quite strongly in two different ways.
At first it filled me only with guilt. Because of course how can the Lord trust me with the great things I always dreamed of in my beginning years as a Christian when I am so unfaithful with what I am given already? Then I was reminded of the story in Mathew 25 of the three servants each entrusted with some money. And how one servant was told "Well done good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things."
And I realized that instead of only feeling sorrow that I am not already a "good and faithful servant" I could always just try harder ;) (Isnt it funny how that realization always takes a few minutes?)
It isn't a new revelation to me that I don't have to be in India to feel compassion for and serve the poor, we unfortunately have plenty of poor right here in Spokane. And it isn't a new thought either that the Lord has already entrusted me with ONE life to make a very great difference in. I suppose in the end that serving right where I am just isn't as "glamorous". Which feels like a horrible thing to say but in the end is probably my hang up. Vanity usually is.
Because while I, and even more so Josh because he works downtown, am "guilty" of always giving money to the homeless (and yes, we have heard your speeches on why we shouldn't do this but among about 1,000 other verses we always remember "Give to everyone who asks of you") I am also guilty of all-too-often looking the other way. I am not saying I have to give every single homeless person I see money, but I do have to feel compassion for every one I see. How can I be so heartless as to turn my head and not even think about them? It shocks me as I type this that I have ever been so cruel, but I also know I will do it again.
And while I long to influence people and share the Lord with them and have a voice that is heard I'm not spending enough time influencing the one little mind I have already been entrusted with. Or sharing with those already in my life.
So this is me re-committing to being faithful in the little things. To serve God right here in Spokane. To be a wife and mother and friend as if its a very mission from the Lord, because it is. And to stop longing for "greatness" because it will only be when I do that I will ever be entrusted with more.
PS Happy Passover.