Lost and Found

"Mommy, we don't even have a baby in this house anymore." Zeke tells me disdainfully when I sit in the rocking chair and announce I need a baby. Maybe it's something they discussed privately because Malachi, who usually runs to me all open arms at this oft-repeated pronouncement, just briefly looks up before going back to his book.

"Maybe Claudia can be your baby." is my eldest's only comfort before he runs to his brother and solemnly hands him a plastic tyrannosaurus. His brontosaurus swings it's tail to whack Mal's T-Rex and Mal gives out a great roar. We all know the brontosaurus will win, they always do. It comes from watching too much Land Before Time, if you ask me.

I just sit in silence. Claudia, who heard her name, comes padding up and gives me a quizzical look and I feel like the classic Dr Seuss in reverse..."Are you my baby?" But when she realizes no one is offering up treats or petting even she wanders off. So much for the loyalty of dogs.

Malachi's arm reaches back and he absently scratches at his curls. Watching the motion it hits me that I should have seen this coming. Since when has he moved with such ease? When exactly did he grow up?

He hasn't nursed in a week.

Weaning at 19 months is no shock, and he's been slowly breastfeeding less and less all summer, but still- I was surprised. I can't even remember our last time.

Maybe it's the finality of it that's bothering me so much. The end of babyhood and now suddenly I have two toddlers. Or, to be more honest a toddler and a preschooler. Oh my.

I'm keeping myself busy to distract from the sheer insanity of it. No babies. I am both thrilled and dejected.

I'm lost and I'm found.

The Mommy Wars

*I will be climbing onto my soapbox now. Please ignore the child playing with a plastic bag behind me...it ruins the effect.*

A friend recently asked me if I ever feel the need to play up my image on my blog. I thought about it rather quickly and answered no. I mean, we ALL play ourselves up to some extent. We choose what we write about, after all, we straighten shirts and clean faces before snapping a picture. But I've never really felt overly stressed about it, read and reread posts wondering what I "seem like" from the outside, or decided not to write something because of the way it will make me look. I suppose its because this blog, when you get down to it, is for me. I love that a few people read it, and that a few comment. But I would be writing it even if no one ever did, because this blog is for ME, not you.

It's basically just a way for me to use up all my leftover words at the end of a day, that and to write, which has always been a passion of mine. Josh jokes that I have a physical need to get out so many words (somewhere near a million) every day. On days when I've been home alone with Zeke he says "You have a lot of words left today don't you?" This comment usually comes after a good solid 45 minutes of me not breathing I'm talking so fast.

But Kim's question got me thinking, because I really understand the need to play up your image a bit in the Mommy-blog world. Hell, I think there's an awful lot of it going on in the plain MOMMY world. The Mommy Wars are a very real thing, that play to some extent in all of our lives, and they aren't going to go anywhere soon. I wish they WOULD but I'm not sure if, as women, as HUMANS, we are quite ready to do away with them...or that we ever will be.

My husband would just make remarks on the inherent evil and judgmental natures of women. He's a bit of a pessimist, that man of mine. But as a person that strives to look on the bright side of human nature, and almost NEEDS to defend, I try to look at it a little more fairly. And I've decided that I think the root of the Wars is that these questions we fight and judge each other over; to work or to stay at home, to breastfeed or to bottle feed and for how long, co-sleeping, crying it out, spanking, the list could go on forever but none of these issues actually have a RIGHT and a WRONG. And we all know it. So no matter which way we personally decide to go, we feel guilt. Guilt is pretty much the dressing of motherhood.

I stay home with Zeke, but then I feel not only envious of the mothers that get these whole separate lives from their children, but I also feel guilty that I'm not using my time at home to my fullest, that I'm lazy basically, and that I'm not contributing to my family or my society as a whole. I also wonder if I'm getting boring, if I'm getting stupider, and if I will have anything left when Zeke goes to kindergarten, let alone to college. I could go out and work, sure. Or even better, go to school, which is a desire so strong I can literally taste it at times. But then I'd just feel envious of the mothers that get to stay home and see every moment of their child's developmental years, and guilty for the time I spend away.

Its like this with almost every issue. Josh and I decided not to cry it out. Which, as all non-cry-it-outers can attest to, results in quite a bit of cosleeping with your toddler. I know that Josh and I have both felt ashamed/annoyed/guilty that our 1 year old has almost never spent an entire night in his crib. We've wondered if we are spoiling him. We've wondered if, in the end, we are actually disrupting his sleep more than helping. We've wondered if the exhaustion might cause us to kill one of our children when, in January, we have TWO children waking us up every night. But (and I suppose I dont have any proof so take this with a grain of salt) I imagine that people that decide to cry it out with their kids ALSO have doubts. They might wonder if they are being selfish to leave their child crying, if they are going to cause life-long bad sleep associations and habits, ect. They might feel just as ashamed that they couldnt "stick it out" until their kid learned to sleep as Josh and I feel at the fact that we couldnt "stick it out" and let Zeke cry for us without being answered.

The biggest guilt inducer for me is the fact that I weaned at 11 months. I had hoped to breastfeed until 2 and to have my milk run dry so "early" has constantly bothered me. I think about it every time I see a happily nursing toddler, heck, I think about it whenever Zeke prefers Josh over me (which i pretend is because I have failed him in some way, and not because Josh is an amazing daddy and around to play with a lot less than this boring mama). And this is actually a great example of the widespread nature of mommy guilt because I'm pretty sure everyone feels guilty no matter WHEN they wean. Be it 6 weeks or 6 years, there's the guilt. And if you go past 6 months you get to add the guilt for breastfeeding SO LONG, which people will be sure to make you feel.

And all this guilt we feel? All this envy of other people that went the other way and surely must have it better? It turns into judgment. And boy howdy is it strong. We doubt ourselves and to cover it up we push everyone we know is "worse" down. You can also see this tendancy in any middle school cafeteria. But the thing is, it just makes everyone feel worse. You arent a better mother because Cathy is a worse one. But Cathy is sure going to feel like shit, and probably so do you.

We all contribute. We all judge each other too harshly, myself included. Which just leads to judgeing ourselves too harshly. And the desire to "spruce up" our image online. And even though I dont think it can stop, I am going to commit to stopping it in my own life.

So here is me, not judging you.

And also here I am assuring you that I am in no way a perfect mother.

My son was literally playing with a plastic bag while I typed this. Yep, I'm blogging while he's not only awake but playing with dangerous objects.

As much as I write about Healthy Eating, I bought and finished off an entire bag of pizza pockets by myself in a little over a week. A family sized bag. I also ate jelly bellies for breakfast yesterday and almost NEVER buy organic foods (honestly I have my doubts about the superior health of your average store-bought organics, which still travel thousands of miles and are farmed en masse. Healthier for the environment, definitely, for me....maybe? I think local is going to be your actual best bet, which is luckily also cheaper.)

As much as I diss families who dont eat dinner together every night and wonder why they dont cherish the family time as much as Josh and I do, well Zeke and I usually eat breakfast side by side, him in front of his food and me in front of my laptop.

Zeke watches TV regularly, spends many days just in his diaper, and gets copious amounts of candy on long car rids.

I am just a mom.

And the weaning begins...

Originally when Josh and I found out that I was pregnant, we came up with a plan to wean Zeke slowly over the next few months. We hoped that with the lowered milk supply most women experience he would lose interest in breastfeeding and that by taking his feedings away one at a time it would be a *fairly* painless process, having Zeke fully weaned 3 or so months before the new baby is born and wants to be breastfed.

The problem is my supply didn't slowly lower so much as it all but disappeared and it isn't causing Zeke to lose interest in breastfeeding as much as its causing him to be really really frustrated with my breasts and bite them. Which makes ME frustrated as I'm already sore from all the hormones BEFORE he bites me with his 5 razor sharp teeth. The feelings on breastfeeding as of yesterday morning: Frustration all around.

So I decided upon waking up yesterday that I wanted to go as long as possible without nursing Zeke. I was frustrated with his behavior, I was in pain, and it seemed to me that breastfeeding wasn't even comforting him anymore, just making him angry. We actually lasted all day. He had 4 bottles (1 at waking, 1 at nap, 1 in the late afternoon, and 1 at bedtime) but never breastfed. He actually barely even asked to be nursed and whenever he did he was quite happy to have a bottle or some cuddles instead. I get the feeling that he remembered the annoyingly empty breasts of the last week or so.

So when he fell asleep for the night and Josh and I were getting in bed I had a thought. "What if we try to not nurse him tonight either?" I said. Josh looked at me like I was insane but it made a lot of sense. 1. Nursing was not making Zeke happy, he didn't understand why I had so little milk and he was frustrated. 2. Nursing wasnt making me happy. I was sore, I was being bit, I was fed up. 3. He did soo well all day with the bottle, maybe he'll take it at night too?

But then we realized we didnt want to get him into the habit of a bottle of milk in the middle of the night. I mean, I know some kids need a midnight meal but I know my son and he doesn't. His night feedings (he usually does 2) are a habit that I've just not cared enough about to break. So the new idea? We will let him have a bottle of water in bed with him instead.

And guess what? It worked!! He moved into our bed about half thru the night (like he's been doing lately) and brought his bottle with him and he would just wake up, grab it, take a small drink, and go back to sleep!!

In the morning he did get quite cranky to nurse and when I handed him the bottle of water he gave me a nasty look and threw it off the bed. But it was just a matter of dragging myself up to make him a bottle of milk. No more lazing for an hour or two in bed while he nurses and plays :(

But I feel so good about all of this. I mean, part of me feels sad. I miss breastfeeding. I feel guilty for weaning him so young, he's not even 1 for another month, after all. But hey, it wasnt working anymore. And at least he's not upset. I can't believe, in fact, how happily he is drinking out of a bottle, considering he never had to before. And I especially cant believe he is going all night with just water. We will wait a few weeks and change out the bottle of water for a sippy of water but honestly he can take a sippy of water to bed forever for all I care. I keep a glass of water on my bedstand, after all.

So here is to one of the easiest (so far) weaning processes I could have imagined. Although I WILL admit that 30+ or so hours since his last feeding I am getting really sore and a bit engorged. I didnt have much milk but it will build up over time. I hope I dont get mastitis.

Facebook and Boobs

So...evidently Facebook doesn't allow pictures of breastfeeding babies on their site, calling them "obscene". And sorry if you had already heard about this, but I am slow on the uptake in the recent news division and just found out yesterday.

What the heck? Seriously, I thought this was the 21st century. Or maybe the problem IS that this is the 21st century, but obscene? Breastfeeding? That's what God put them there for buddy! I get so frustrated with this kind of attitude, I really do. We are flooded in this country, left and right, with images of breasts as a commodity. They are used to sell movies, to sell CARS. But NEVER do you see practical examples of breasts being used for what breasts are for: feeding babies.

And I suppose its no wonder then that formula is the norm for a baby's diet in North America. The WHO (the World Health Organization, not the band, lol) calls it the 4TH choice when considering feeding methods (1. being breastfeeding, 2. being expressed milk from the babies mother and 3. being expressed milk from a milk bank), but around here we are told that formula is "just as good these days", that breastfeeding is hard or painful, that it ruins your breasts, that most women/breasts cant produce enough milk, or that the father wont bond with the baby if you breastfeed. We are told its inconvenient, that its gross, and that it is innapropriate and should only be done in private.

Well I am here to tell you that NONE of that is true. And breastfeeding is NOT obscene! And until all these untruths about breastfeeding are no longer spread around (even by doctors at times!) and until we see (literally SEE) more mothers breastfeeding and it's no longer compared to a sexual or private act, children and women are the ones who suffer for it!

By labeling breastfeeding as something objectionable, Facebook is perpetuating all these myths and stigmatizing women who are doing nothing wrong, who are in fact doing something very right, and very natural.

Seriously, I would delete my account, if not for the fact that I plan on participating in the Nurse-in that is comming up!

*Note- please believe that I am not trying to be rude or uncompassionate to women that are unable to breastfeed, or have chosen not to. I WILL say that if you have been labeled unable to breastfeed in the past, or are having troubles currently not to buy that you "cant" without first talking to a breastfeeding consultant or a La Leche League leader. The medical field is often too quick to give up in this country.

Technical Difficulties

I'm experiencing technical difficulties today. Basically the cord for my camera is broken, well the cord works fine but the camera is broken so that the cord wont work, if that makes sense. So I have to use the memory card to move pictures. Which would be fine except out of the 3 computers and 1 laptop we own only 1 that has a slot for a Pro Duo memory card. Because they are stupid. No one takes those cards, not Walgreens or Costco or anyone. But its the only card that works for my camera. And now the card reader on the 1 computer that used to be able to read that stupid card is broken!

I HATE my camera. Now not only does it take really blurry and over-flashed pictures but I cant even get my blurry flashed-out pictures off the darned thing! Lol, anyone have a spare Canon Rebel lying around? Or a spare few hundred dollars to buy me one? I wish right?

Anyways. I refuse to let it get me down. And Josh says if he cant figure out how to get my pictures on the computer tonight then he will buy me a converter for my card sometime this weekend. So it is a temporary irritation. I will just post words now and pictures either tonight or this weekend.

So Ezekiel has been an eating monster lately. For breakfast I always give him either rice cereal or oatmeal with a Zeke-approved fruit (apricot, banana, pear, or peach) either mixed in or on the side and rolled in cheerios to make them easier to pick up. It depends on what kind of mess I am wanting at the moment. And for dinner I've been giving him whatever we are eating chopped up into tiny bits in the food processor. He's eaten every dinner we've given him so far...fish and carrots, spaghetti, chicken casserole, steak and potato... And if we are eating something that he cant have (like pizza) then I give him a Zeke-approved vegetable (we are down to squash and sweet potato...Z no longer eats anything green).

And MAN has he been eating. A good 1/2 cup at dinner and probably more in the morning. Today he ate an entire pancake and 2 peach slices! I'm not sure if that is a lot for a 7 month old but it is probably 3 or 4 times what he was eating a few weeks ago so its a lot to me. And therefor I have implemented lunch this week. I never bothered before because he only ever ate a few bites at a time and I didn't figure it was worth it. But now that he's eating so much I can get 4 or so ounces in him even mid-day so I probably "should".

Its kind of a pain as Zeke I are often not home at lunch time (hence putting it off for so long, my breasts are always with me after all and always the right temperature). And since he still doesn't have teeth he really only eats soft foods, which aren't that transportable. It will be a lot easier in a few more months when he can eat pretty much anything. It would also be a lot easier if I swallowed my pride and allowed him to eat either A. jarred baby food or B. Gerber puffs. But since he is my first I still consider Gerber puffs a treat and a way to make him quiet at restaurants or while I do chores, not a meal. And I am so so sooo close to getting him where he eats "real" food that starting him on jars now seems silly. Also I'm not sure he would even eat it. He refused my onion and garlic free spaghetti and opted for mine the other day. Those jars are rather tasteless.

So lunch is a mystery right now. Since he gets a serving of grains and fruit every morning and then a vegetable and either another grain or a meat at night I should probably add more fruits and veggies though. Maybe I can get him to eat green beans again...or peas... Ha, don't count on it.

Any thoughts on my over-mothering?

On a side-note, this eating a lot of solids thing has really cut down on Ezekiel's nursing too. It's bittersweet. Its nice not nursing him constantly, ie in parking lots, in the mall, at restaurants, every 2 or so hours it seemed like sometimes (and really was sometimes). Now if I nurse and feed him before we leave he usually lasts until we get back. But I also miss it in a weird way. I know he's not going to wean but it feels like he needs me that much less...

Its also playing hell on my hormones if you dont mind the phrase.

but I better do a...And I think this week it will be Mac and Cheese!

Now Macaroni and Cheese is an emotionally charged meal. There are a lot of ways to make it and everyone likes THEIR way best, and will fight for their way to the death. For my part I love ALL mac and cheese. I love boxed, Kraft it is often seen in my home on weekends when Josh and I split it for lunch. I especially love Annie's. Yum yum. I also love the kind you make with velveeta. It is a guilty over-processed pleasure.

This is a recipe made with real cheese however. It is delicious and healthier...at least as healthy as mac and cheese gets right?

And sooooo simple.

First you boil your macaroni noodles.

Then while those are boiling you put some milk, some butter, and some cheese (Ok a LOT of cheese) in a sauce pan. Use your favorite cheese, or a mix. I usually do 1/2 cheddar and 1/2 mozzerella. Stir, stir, stir, until the cheese is all melted.

Now pour your noodles and then your cheese sauce in a casserole dish. Sprinkle it with parmesan if you like and throw it in the oven for 25 minutes.

Enjoy!

Mommy buffet

Man oh man is Zeke being naughty lately. Can the terrible two's hit at 7 months perhaps? He is just becoming so defiant all of a sudden! Not to Josh, oh no, of course not, as soon as daddy says "no" Ezekiel is almost tripping over himself to obey. But mommy? When mommy says no it falls on deaf ears. Sometimes he will look at me before continuing on his merry way, sometimes even smile and go faster, usually he just ignores me. And I'm the only one that spanks him!

Lets just say this week has been very tiring. A long string of "no, thats not yours" and "no, don't do that"'s. And as devoted to extended breastfeeding as I am I can see why people wean their babies before toddlerhood now. Because it has been a big part of our troubles lately. One example: Zeke's desire, no no his INSISTENCE, on breastfeeding standing up. You see, he cant be bothered to stop and lay down while he's busy playing. So he climbs up me, pulls my shirt down, drinks while standing up for a few seconds, and then off he goes.

This seems really rude to me. I'm not a buffet here, buddy! So we are working on "table"manners, lol. And now that he's mastered the tippy cup we are incorporating that more. But Zeke knows where the good stuff is....oh well. Only another year or so until weaning time right?

Oh and I haven't posted any pics of Z lately you say? Yes, I know. Because they all look like this:

My crawling son LOVES the camera....to eat it that is!

I will keep trying, I promise.

And now for...

Chicken Cacciatore Stew!

First start some chicken cooking, while it cooks chop and add some potato and onion.

And while that cooks, chop up and add some red bell pepper and garlic. Wait another minute or maybe 2. Mine had no bell pepper because when the grocery list said red bell pepper Josh bought green. Who knows? I dont complain when he goes grocery shopping without me, especially when he takes the baby with!

Now add: a can of crushed tomato, maybe a splash of red wine if you have it around the house (sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t), some mushrooms, and enough chicken broth to make it a stew-y consistency.

Let this boil and then turn it to low to simmer 10 minutes. At this point you can add spinach (I didnt have any in the house) or top it with cheese. Parmesan: good. Romano: way better.

Not Me....a one time thing

Many brave blogging souls post every Monday a "Not Me" segment, in which they list the things they most definitely "NEVER do". In a rash and unexpected fit of...lets call it honesty?....I will now admit for the first time ever my perfection. And its not even Monday.

I have NEVER nursed Zeke while going to the bathroom. Nope. Not me. Thats gross...and probably unsanitary.

And speaking of nursing, I have also NEVER EVER nursed him while I surfed the web because that is the only time he will ever sit still. And I really really don't do it every day. I'm totally not doing it right now. Because, you know, breast feeding is about bonding.

Another thing I've never ever done? I've never lost my baby under a couch. Or under a bed. Not me. I always know where my son is. I don't need muffled babbling to find him. Don't listen to Kait.

Another thing Kait will lie about? I've never melted a bottle nipple in my dish washer. I know to use one of those little plastic boxes. And if that did, you know, hypothetically speaking, happen once, I wouldn't run upstairs thinking my Christmas tree was on fire. I can smell the difference between plastic burning and pine burning. I didn't sniff the tree.

And I never, after hours and hours of my son babbling at THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS, not hearing a single solitary grown voice ALL DAY LONG, yell "BAAA BAAAA BAAAA BAAAA, HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?" I am an adult. I dont talk to a 5 month old like that.

I also bathe my baby every night. Even when House is on. And he totally gets dressed every day. Who do you think I am?

Now come on, tell me a few of YOUR finest Not Me moments.

Thoughts

I have been struck by many thoughts the past few days.

1. I wished the old wives tales were true and starting solids meant longer breaks between feedings. But then I was glad they weren't (or at least aren't for my little fatty) since cereal is pretty much nutritionally useless, even the expensive organic whole-grain stuff that I buy. Also call me crazy but I really really enjoy breastfeeding. It's becoming the only time my son will cuddle me. All he wants these days is to play. Josh has started wrestling with him and its so hilarious to watch, Zeke just loves it.

Sorry, my train of thought kind of de-railed.

2. I wondered when it will hit Zeke that we are two separate people. I read this happens anytime between 6-12 months. Then I wondered when it will hit me. I've been away from him a few times now. Josh and I have had "dates", also I get my mom's night once a month. But it always feels strange. I dont know if I will ever feel completely separate from him.

3. A call today: Me "Hello?". On the line "Hi, sweetie..." What is sadder? That Dr Morgan's nurse calls me sweetie and starts reminding me about Z's appointment Monday before even introducing who she is or that it was unnecessary because I recognized that is was her? We are in that office WAY too much.


Also I've been thinking a lot about school for Zeke. (Yes, I am the mom that starts thinking about this when her son is 4 months old) I really really want to get him into Montessori but let's face it, there is no guarantee that Zeke will be accepted, it's a very competitive program and no matter how much breast milk and Faulkner I stuff into that child he is going to be who he is going to be. I am also considering the APPLE program, its less competitive but requires a LOT of parent kissing-up (serving on boards, volunteering in the classroom) to be accepted. Its really intriguing to me, however, and I think might be well worth it. Then there is also Catholic school (the only private we can afford) some of which around here are very well though-of. Then of course public is always an option, its kind of hit and miss in Spokane but worlds better than anything I grew up with in Idaho and if Josh and I are careful when we buy a house we could end up in a district better than any alternative choice.

Just a lot to consider. And absolutely useless right now because hey, its like 6 years away. Also so much will affect the choice that cant be anticipated like what public school we are assigned to and Zeke's personality. An independent child would thrive in Montessori, on the other hand APPLE would allow me to be much much more involved and would be a better transition for a more needy kid. Then I was thinking that it would also depend on how many more I had at home at the time, what kind of effort I could really put into it.

Which led me to the real thought. I've always wanted a huge family. 4, 5, 6 kids. But now I'm wondering if that's still true. I mean, a lot of kids would be great. But I want to do so much for my children. I want them to have so many opportunities. And the sad but very true fact is, there is only so much "me" to go around. I can give a lot more to 2 or even 3 children then I could to 4 or 5. I mean, number 5 is not going to be read to every day like Ezekiel has been, he wouldn't get any of the alone time Zeke has enjoyed. If I've got 4 others at home, I can't volunteer in Zeke's classroom or go on field trips or help him with his homework as often. Josh and I could handle 2 playing soccer or hockey or whatever but probably not 5.

I know a lot of the above isn't really important. You don't have to play soccer to be a well balanced human ect. But its something I'd like to do. And I know lot of mom's have quite a few children (or plan to) and handle it wonderfully, their kids do get time each and they do handle all the conflicting schedules with grace. Some of you read this blog. Go you, seriously. I'm not saying YOU cant do it. I'm saying maybe I cant.

Just a thought.

First food!

A STORY IN PICTURES

Hey, what are you two doing?


Are you going to feed me?


Heres me and my cereal!


Give it to me!!!


Oh that's good!


I want more!

Aaaaaaand a video!




PS, Yes that is a measuring spoon. I was not following the 7 P's and hadn't bought a baby spoon yet. My dad always said, prior proper planning prevents piss-poor performance! (I heard that a LOT, and now so does Josh, and soon so will Zeke though it might become 6 P's...piss really isn't an appropriate word...)

So just Saturday I was telling Melanie (Ezekiel's grandma) that I thought Zeke might be ready for some food (or at least some very watery cereal) but I wanted to wait until his meds were 1 time a day instead of 3 times, i.e. next week. You see, though I'd planned on waiting another month (when he's 5 months) to introduce solids, Zeke has been getting hungrier and hungrier at night. Nursing sometimes an hour straight and then again 2 hours later! Plus he's been watching me eat and mimicking my motions like opening my mouth and chewing. And forever grabbing my food. All signs of solid readyness, though he cant sit in his highchair yet without slumping over.

But like I said, his meds are 3 times a day currently and the nurses warned me might upset his tummy till hes used to them. So I thought we will try next week when he hits 4 months and is on the meds only once a day.

Then Saturday night Zeke nursed and nursed and nursed. And I was empty, and he was still hungry! This has never happened before! Not even close! So we thawed a bottle and he ate another 3 ounces! Then Sunday night it looked like it would happen again! So out came the fancy organic cereal. And let me tell you Zeke loved it! (It actually doesn't taste bad, it was really sweet, although this is probably because I made it with breastmilk and my breastmilk is somehow vanilla flavored. Its kind of gross its so sweet.) Any-whos he kept leaning forward and opening his mouth for more so he must have liked it. And for a first feeding he swallowed quite a bit of it, he really had the tongue motion down!

This morning I made it a bit thicker (I think it was too thin last night but I didn't want him to choke) and he gobbled 2 Tbl down at once without breathing it seemed! So he must have been ready. Its so much fun. In a few weeks we'll do vegetables!

Dr Morgan gave me a kind of ridiculous feeding schedule that I will probably follow to a T because Im a first-time mom and rather fond of schedules.
1st month- cereal morning and night.
2nd month- cereal morning, veggie night.
3rd month- cereal and fruit morning, veg afternoon, veg and fruit at night.
4th month- cereal and fruit, veg and fruit, meat and veg

I dont know what happens after this. I'll be tired of such a strict schedule and do whatever I want, probably. Josh thinks this will happen before 4 months. Maybe. I wouldn't be suprised. Once he can eat small chunks it'll be a lot easier to pick bits from my food to give him. I'm a really healthy eater so I don't see why not.

And now a picture just for fun!
Tom Cruise ain't got nothing on this baby!


As if I could really tell a picture in stories huh? You knew I'd also write forever! A picture may be worth 1,000 words but so are 1,000 words right?

Keeping on keeping on

Things seem easier this week. Nighttime at least is a lot easier. Zeke has been sleeping most of the night in his moses basket now all by himself, at least the last 3 nights he has. I've been changing and feeding him sometime between 10 and 11 and putting him in his basket right next to my bed and he sleeps till 2, eats and (wait for it, this is the new part) goes BACK in his basket until 5 or so when he gets hungry again. At this point he decides he wants to wake up and he ends up in bed with Josh and I so that we can get another few hours...he'll stay there until 8 usually. Its a huge improvement from sleeping with us almost all night. Last week he only put up with 2 or 3 hours in his basket if I was lucky and I was afraid he'd never sleep alone...now he's more like 6 hours and I have huge confidence that in a few months when he's feeding once a night instead of twice we can start to transition him into his own room. And he's sleeping so deep too. Maybe 1 or 2 times do I have to reach down and put my hand on his tummy to settle him back down, and before I was having to do it constantly when he was in the basket.

Days are easier too. He still wants to be held almost every waking second, the longest I've gotten so far is 15 minutes he sat in his vibrating chair and watched me iron Josh's shirts. But its easier to deal with now that I'm not holding him all night as well. And we're getting a rhythm to our days, not a schedule but at least a rhythm. He eats every 3 hours or so until the evening when he likes to cluster a good 3 or 4 feedings in as many hours sometimes. He usually has a good balance of sleep and alertness, although every few days he still has a day when he almost never wakes up except to eat. And the same events happen everyday, just not necessarily in the same order. Every day we read, we just finished the Great Gatsby (my child will have read more classic literature in his first 6 months than most Americans in their life, I'm willing to bet. After 6 months they say it starts to matter what you read them but right now it doesn't so I don't see why I should suffer Hop on Pop quite yet). Everyday we get out of the house for a little while whether its to the park with my mommy and me group or yoga or MOPS, everyday we dance or sing because Zeke LOVES music. In his bad moments its all that will calm him down and he cries between tracks when it stops to switch songs. He got mad at church this Sunday when the worship stopped, it was so funny.

He lost his cord FINALLY, and we also FINALLY ordered birth announcements so they should get here this week and out there next week. I hope its not too late but hey I've been busy. Anyways they are super cute and totally worth it. Trust me. Also I am totally convinced he giggled yesterday. I was smiling and making faces at him and he was smiling back and then he GIGGLED. He is obviously a genius way above the curve, no matter what Josh says. He's socially doing things he shouldn't for another 6 weeks. He smiles back at you, he will stick his tongue out if you do it, and he laughs.

Not much else is going on, however. I'm just keeping on keeping on. Enjoying my perfect baby and trying not to die in the heat.

When you are 12 days old everything's a first

Highlights this week are mostly a long string of firsts. Zeke had his first bath at home, peed on daddy for the first time, played his first computer game, his first game of risk, and his first game of scrabble. He had his first explosive poop to fly at least 2 feet before it hit the wall (Josh wants me to post pictures but I will spare you, if you've had children you can imagine, if you haven't then you don't want to). He's also winning his first battle, he sleeps more in our bed than in his. At 2 o clock in the morning Id just rather him be quiet and spoiled with us than in his bed like a good baby and crying. He spends part of every night alone and I hope to slowly increase it. When his days and nights are a little more stable and he lasts over 2 hours between feedings it will be easier.

I am afraid I'm spoiling him terribly, he just wont abide being put down, even during the day. Lonliness will wake him from even the deepest sleep. But I honestly don't know what to do about it, even the meanest most Ferber-friendly people say you cant use a cry it out method until they are a bit older than this. And I'm not sure I really want to throw my child into the pure terror of singleness just for the sake of a free arm. For now I do everything one handed, attempt putting him down several times a day when he seems calmest, and hope that he likes the carrier my friend Annali is being good enough to make me. Also I hope he grows out of this a bit. He IS fairly new after all.

Wednesday he will be 2 weeks and normal life will be allowed to commence. I promised Josh we'd stay home for 2 weeks recovering and though not getting dressed most days has been nice, and though I did cheat slightly with going to church and to the mall, I'm getting bored. I'm never home this much. Wednesday I get to go out to a potluck with my mommy and me group, and then Thursday my impossibly hippie mindful mothers group meets. We also have doctors appointments each of those days, so it might be much but I don't want to wait another week. Friday I have my church MOPS group.

Bust busy busy and I love it. Post natal yoga has to wait until 5 weeks and I'm sad but also a little relieved, all these groups might be more than I can chew. I'll wait and see, I can always drop something and at least I wont be lonely or bored.

Pictures

Zeke went to see his pediatrician today and checked out just fine. His heart rate, breathing, and coloring are all worlds better and he has lost weight since he was born but has gained since being released from the hospital, so that's a relief. I've been worried about his eating, breastfeeding has been a challenge since my milk came in. I'm not really sure what's wrong but the local La Leche League has a meeting tomorrow that I'm going to try to take him to. They might have some ideas for what I can do to make it easier for both of us.

Mostly this post is just to share some of the pictures we've taken since coming home, there will be many more to come in the next days and weeks. Daddy is a little camera obsessed.