The family bed

(A picture of one of our first naptimes. Dont I look properly exhausted and swollen?)

Laying across our bed this morning was (in order) Ziggy, Me, Mony(on top of me), Mal, Josh, then Zeke. And as I gazed across this scene the term "family bed" got a whole new meaning. 2 adults, 2 children, and 2 cats. Thank the Lord for king size beds but even if we didn't have one I dont think we would do it any other way.

We love sleep sharing around here.

Ezekiel spent the first 6 months of his nights split between his bedside bassinet and snuggled between us in our bed. We plan on Mal doing so for about double that time. And Josh and I both dread the day that the early morning hours don't bring the pitter patter of Zeke's feet into our room to join us, blanket and baby Burt tucked under one arm and a quiet "up up" coming from his lips. So I guess I forgot to add Burt in the bed line-up. He is always there as well. Not only did Josh insist on sleeping on that cabbage patch doll for the first oh...18 years of his life...Zekers seems intent to do the same. Burt has a way with Clark boys.

So co-sleeping is obviously a big part of our life right now. And like I said. We love it. It gives us all a better night's sleep since the baby is happy and I can just roll over when it's feeding time. The newest studies say it lowers the risks of SIDS. It increases attatchment since it adds all that lovely bonding and snuggle time.

And I was going to go on about it but I hear a toddler crying so I better run. Life with 2!

The Mommy Wars

*I will be climbing onto my soapbox now. Please ignore the child playing with a plastic bag behind me...it ruins the effect.*

A friend recently asked me if I ever feel the need to play up my image on my blog. I thought about it rather quickly and answered no. I mean, we ALL play ourselves up to some extent. We choose what we write about, after all, we straighten shirts and clean faces before snapping a picture. But I've never really felt overly stressed about it, read and reread posts wondering what I "seem like" from the outside, or decided not to write something because of the way it will make me look. I suppose its because this blog, when you get down to it, is for me. I love that a few people read it, and that a few comment. But I would be writing it even if no one ever did, because this blog is for ME, not you.

It's basically just a way for me to use up all my leftover words at the end of a day, that and to write, which has always been a passion of mine. Josh jokes that I have a physical need to get out so many words (somewhere near a million) every day. On days when I've been home alone with Zeke he says "You have a lot of words left today don't you?" This comment usually comes after a good solid 45 minutes of me not breathing I'm talking so fast.

But Kim's question got me thinking, because I really understand the need to play up your image a bit in the Mommy-blog world. Hell, I think there's an awful lot of it going on in the plain MOMMY world. The Mommy Wars are a very real thing, that play to some extent in all of our lives, and they aren't going to go anywhere soon. I wish they WOULD but I'm not sure if, as women, as HUMANS, we are quite ready to do away with them...or that we ever will be.

My husband would just make remarks on the inherent evil and judgmental natures of women. He's a bit of a pessimist, that man of mine. But as a person that strives to look on the bright side of human nature, and almost NEEDS to defend, I try to look at it a little more fairly. And I've decided that I think the root of the Wars is that these questions we fight and judge each other over; to work or to stay at home, to breastfeed or to bottle feed and for how long, co-sleeping, crying it out, spanking, the list could go on forever but none of these issues actually have a RIGHT and a WRONG. And we all know it. So no matter which way we personally decide to go, we feel guilt. Guilt is pretty much the dressing of motherhood.

I stay home with Zeke, but then I feel not only envious of the mothers that get these whole separate lives from their children, but I also feel guilty that I'm not using my time at home to my fullest, that I'm lazy basically, and that I'm not contributing to my family or my society as a whole. I also wonder if I'm getting boring, if I'm getting stupider, and if I will have anything left when Zeke goes to kindergarten, let alone to college. I could go out and work, sure. Or even better, go to school, which is a desire so strong I can literally taste it at times. But then I'd just feel envious of the mothers that get to stay home and see every moment of their child's developmental years, and guilty for the time I spend away.

Its like this with almost every issue. Josh and I decided not to cry it out. Which, as all non-cry-it-outers can attest to, results in quite a bit of cosleeping with your toddler. I know that Josh and I have both felt ashamed/annoyed/guilty that our 1 year old has almost never spent an entire night in his crib. We've wondered if we are spoiling him. We've wondered if, in the end, we are actually disrupting his sleep more than helping. We've wondered if the exhaustion might cause us to kill one of our children when, in January, we have TWO children waking us up every night. But (and I suppose I dont have any proof so take this with a grain of salt) I imagine that people that decide to cry it out with their kids ALSO have doubts. They might wonder if they are being selfish to leave their child crying, if they are going to cause life-long bad sleep associations and habits, ect. They might feel just as ashamed that they couldnt "stick it out" until their kid learned to sleep as Josh and I feel at the fact that we couldnt "stick it out" and let Zeke cry for us without being answered.

The biggest guilt inducer for me is the fact that I weaned at 11 months. I had hoped to breastfeed until 2 and to have my milk run dry so "early" has constantly bothered me. I think about it every time I see a happily nursing toddler, heck, I think about it whenever Zeke prefers Josh over me (which i pretend is because I have failed him in some way, and not because Josh is an amazing daddy and around to play with a lot less than this boring mama). And this is actually a great example of the widespread nature of mommy guilt because I'm pretty sure everyone feels guilty no matter WHEN they wean. Be it 6 weeks or 6 years, there's the guilt. And if you go past 6 months you get to add the guilt for breastfeeding SO LONG, which people will be sure to make you feel.

And all this guilt we feel? All this envy of other people that went the other way and surely must have it better? It turns into judgment. And boy howdy is it strong. We doubt ourselves and to cover it up we push everyone we know is "worse" down. You can also see this tendancy in any middle school cafeteria. But the thing is, it just makes everyone feel worse. You arent a better mother because Cathy is a worse one. But Cathy is sure going to feel like shit, and probably so do you.

We all contribute. We all judge each other too harshly, myself included. Which just leads to judgeing ourselves too harshly. And the desire to "spruce up" our image online. And even though I dont think it can stop, I am going to commit to stopping it in my own life.

So here is me, not judging you.

And also here I am assuring you that I am in no way a perfect mother.

My son was literally playing with a plastic bag while I typed this. Yep, I'm blogging while he's not only awake but playing with dangerous objects.

As much as I write about Healthy Eating, I bought and finished off an entire bag of pizza pockets by myself in a little over a week. A family sized bag. I also ate jelly bellies for breakfast yesterday and almost NEVER buy organic foods (honestly I have my doubts about the superior health of your average store-bought organics, which still travel thousands of miles and are farmed en masse. Healthier for the environment, definitely, for me....maybe? I think local is going to be your actual best bet, which is luckily also cheaper.)

As much as I diss families who dont eat dinner together every night and wonder why they dont cherish the family time as much as Josh and I do, well Zeke and I usually eat breakfast side by side, him in front of his food and me in front of my laptop.

Zeke watches TV regularly, spends many days just in his diaper, and gets copious amounts of candy on long car rids.

I am just a mom.

I dreamt I got a full nights sleep...

...and woke up to a dream come true! Thank you, thank you to Jen (and Kim in all fairness also pointed it out, albeit in person) for letting me in on the now-obvious information that my son is teething! Moving him into our room didn't help Sunday night. But Monday night some Tylenol did! He was out like a rock till 1 am for a feeding and a re-dose and then straight back out till 4, repeat. Then till 6 when he always wakes up and I switch the boys in my bed. Not amazing but so much better! So Zeke is sleeping back in his room and Mommy is buying some Motrin (which works better for teeth/lasts longer).

I'd be so lost without you guys!

And to reiterate something that has come up a few times since Sunday and I guess I haven't fully explained: It's not that I'm 100 percent against crying it out. I think it has its place. But these are my thoughts. The point of any sleep training method is to teach your baby to sleep. This isn't knowledge we are born with, and the transition from wakefulness to sleep must be learned. I fear that when you teach your baby how to sleep by leaving him to cry (or scream) himself out before he's ever learned how to sleep, you are teaching him that sleep is a scary state to go into and setting yourself up in the long run for a bad sleeper, nightmares, ect. Since the Ferberization of our country kids' night terrors, bed wetting, and even sleep problems in adults have skyrocketed. I worry its related. And my biggerproblem is that you're not really teaching your child how to sleep so much as that you are teaching him "We are not listening to you, this isn't working, you might as well give up." Crying is Zeke's only form of communication. I want him to know I am responsive to it.

Now when Ezekiel becomes older and knows about and recognizes sleeping, and has other ways of communicating with me so I know if it's something like an ear ache, and even more importantly can understand me when I say "no it's time for bed and I will be right outside your door in my room, but you need to sleep now." Well then I'll probably let him yell if I have to. Because I know that he is just being ornery and trying to get up in the middle of the night. And my son is ornery, believe me, I will let him yell many times and for many things in his life, I am sure. I already do for his tantrums. I am a huge fan of ignoring/not responding to bad behavior. But for right now he is only starting to be ready for it, and his night crying wasn't tantrum crying, but his baby cry, so I chose to respond like I did.

For the record I'm not a huge fan of bed-sharing either. I also think this has it's place with newborns and sick children and occasional bad nights, or even very high need kids. But I don't think its the best full-time situation for most children. Again, its just not teaching your child to get himself to sleep.

This has always been my problem. I have no extremist cult following to go along with. But I think, in reality most people don't. We all try a little of everything until we find a blend that is truly ours. I do the two steps forward, one step back method. Zeke was in my bed until we were both recovered from birth, a few weeks. Then he was in his Moses basket next to my bed for part of the night, them most of the night, then all. When he went down to 2 or 3 wakings/feedings I moved him into his own room, mostly even then because he was outgrowing his basket. In hindsight I think it was a bit early. But the point is this has all been a 2 steps forward, one step back deal. If he wasn't doing well that night or that week we went back to the old way for a while. And I always do the smallest amount of comforting necessary but at the same time as much as is necessary, ie if just whispering "your ok, Zekers, go back to sleep" puts him back out, that's all I do, next I try rubbing his back, then and only THEN will I pick him up. This sleep training method, if you want to call it that, means less sleep for me, probably. For now. But its teaching him gently to be independent, and I think will pay off in the end when I hopefully have a great sleeping toddler.

At the least it works for us. Which is what matters. It might also work with the next one, it might not. It might work but take WAAAY longer to get to each new step. Who knows. But I will try everything again, with a better feel for what I like due to experience, until I find the blend that works for me at THAT time. That much I know.

See you tomorrow for Whats for Dinner Wednesday! I'm making rice pilaf and honey chicken. And I'm even going to do an extra this week so I have one to post while I'm in Boise!

And totally unrelated. Look how cute our Christmas picture is! Thanks to Kait! She is a photo taking wizard! Im mailing out Christmas cards today so watch out for them!

oh so many updates

An update on Zeke's allergies: I can now officially eat cheese. We have tried it on numerous occasions now with no dire effects. Milk- not so much. While he didn't scream and scream like he used to, he still had pretty bad gas and some nasty diapers. I figure he couldn't have been comfortable. But we are on our way!

An update on his kidneys: We are now only once a day meds. Although we have been switched to a new kind and Zeke is NOT a fan. I dont blame him, it smells like cough syrup.

An update on sleeping: Since implementing my new plan, nights have been awesome! Once we started a schedule and routine he went right back to his old 8 o clock bedtime, which I LOVE because it gives Josh and I some "us" time. He wakes up once around 2 in order to eat and moves into our bed between 5 and 7 the second time he wakes up. Then he sleeps with me until 8. We are pretty much were we were a month ago, to be honest. A trip and a sickness and another sickness threw us all off. Also, his new non-napping made things a lot harder.

And naps, surprisingly, are still a stickler. Who ever heard of a baby that sleeps at night well but doesn't nap? I thought those were easier!

Anyways, I haven't been allowing any sleeping past 5 o clock because it throws off his night. The problem was he was just taking 15 minute snoozes here and there all day and then crashing at 6 and napping 2 hours and waking up at 8. So what I've been doing this week is any time he gets tired from 12-4 I encourage it and try to get him to take a nap. Still 15 minutes later he is up.

So what has been happening is that in the later afternoon I give up any chance of him napping and lay down with him. Then he will nap for an hour, two hours, even three hours. This is great but I cant lay down with him every day! But at the same time he HAS to have a nap or its meltdown city, and I think 2 even would be best.

Soooo, I will pick a time this week (or maybe 2 times) where I will really commit to napping. I will feed and rock and put him in his crib with his sleeping blanket (this was designated to be a sleep association earlier in our struggles). When he wakes up in 15 minutes I will rock again. And again. And again if I have to. Until he has slept at least an hour. I will get nothing done during this time but the plan is just to get him used to sleeping during the day. Sleeping by himself will be the next step.

This is pretty much how I've been night training. And if I can do it at night, I am sure I can do it during the day!

By the way, here are some great pictures! Just being super cute, plus his newest hat. Although I have to take a hat-break to make some washclothes. Now that he is eating solids I need some!