Thoughts

I have been struck by many thoughts the past few days.

1. I wished the old wives tales were true and starting solids meant longer breaks between feedings. But then I was glad they weren't (or at least aren't for my little fatty) since cereal is pretty much nutritionally useless, even the expensive organic whole-grain stuff that I buy. Also call me crazy but I really really enjoy breastfeeding. It's becoming the only time my son will cuddle me. All he wants these days is to play. Josh has started wrestling with him and its so hilarious to watch, Zeke just loves it.

Sorry, my train of thought kind of de-railed.

2. I wondered when it will hit Zeke that we are two separate people. I read this happens anytime between 6-12 months. Then I wondered when it will hit me. I've been away from him a few times now. Josh and I have had "dates", also I get my mom's night once a month. But it always feels strange. I dont know if I will ever feel completely separate from him.

3. A call today: Me "Hello?". On the line "Hi, sweetie..." What is sadder? That Dr Morgan's nurse calls me sweetie and starts reminding me about Z's appointment Monday before even introducing who she is or that it was unnecessary because I recognized that is was her? We are in that office WAY too much.


Also I've been thinking a lot about school for Zeke. (Yes, I am the mom that starts thinking about this when her son is 4 months old) I really really want to get him into Montessori but let's face it, there is no guarantee that Zeke will be accepted, it's a very competitive program and no matter how much breast milk and Faulkner I stuff into that child he is going to be who he is going to be. I am also considering the APPLE program, its less competitive but requires a LOT of parent kissing-up (serving on boards, volunteering in the classroom) to be accepted. Its really intriguing to me, however, and I think might be well worth it. Then there is also Catholic school (the only private we can afford) some of which around here are very well though-of. Then of course public is always an option, its kind of hit and miss in Spokane but worlds better than anything I grew up with in Idaho and if Josh and I are careful when we buy a house we could end up in a district better than any alternative choice.

Just a lot to consider. And absolutely useless right now because hey, its like 6 years away. Also so much will affect the choice that cant be anticipated like what public school we are assigned to and Zeke's personality. An independent child would thrive in Montessori, on the other hand APPLE would allow me to be much much more involved and would be a better transition for a more needy kid. Then I was thinking that it would also depend on how many more I had at home at the time, what kind of effort I could really put into it.

Which led me to the real thought. I've always wanted a huge family. 4, 5, 6 kids. But now I'm wondering if that's still true. I mean, a lot of kids would be great. But I want to do so much for my children. I want them to have so many opportunities. And the sad but very true fact is, there is only so much "me" to go around. I can give a lot more to 2 or even 3 children then I could to 4 or 5. I mean, number 5 is not going to be read to every day like Ezekiel has been, he wouldn't get any of the alone time Zeke has enjoyed. If I've got 4 others at home, I can't volunteer in Zeke's classroom or go on field trips or help him with his homework as often. Josh and I could handle 2 playing soccer or hockey or whatever but probably not 5.

I know a lot of the above isn't really important. You don't have to play soccer to be a well balanced human ect. But its something I'd like to do. And I know lot of mom's have quite a few children (or plan to) and handle it wonderfully, their kids do get time each and they do handle all the conflicting schedules with grace. Some of you read this blog. Go you, seriously. I'm not saying YOU cant do it. I'm saying maybe I cant.

Just a thought.