Blueberry update-29 weeks

After all that worrying I did last week about the little blueberry being in the worst position ever imaginable (not only breach (head up) but posterior (facing forward)...if your having a hard time seeing it he was sitting cross legged in my pelvis looking out my belly). Anyways, after all that worrying all it ended up taking was a half hour of sending little baby blue images of head-down-ness and he flipped himself (quite painfully) over. I'm not exactly great at telling position but from the general location of all my kicks and nudges it seems like he's remained head down ever since...although he still seems to favor a posterior position. I feel like this is due more to my own bad posture than anything else though and back labor (while not exactly a goal) is far FAR less worrisome to me than the c-section that blueberry's particular type of breach would have required. So I'm working on my posture but not exactly stressing it any longer.

The ease at which I was able to get him to flip over has really got me thinking, though, about how much more connected to this baby I feel these days. Zeke and I have such a lovely relationship. We always did, even in utero, and until recently I felt I wasn't connecting with this child like I did my last. I still cant figure out the sex, sometimes I'm sure it's a boy, other times, a girl. This week, in fact, I'm on a boy kick, hence all the "he's".

With Zeke I KNEW from the very beginning that he was a boy. I was so confident, in fact, in Ezekiel's maleness, that I told Josh before our ultrasound that if they said it was a girl, I wouldn't believe them. This pregnancy...I just cant seem to decide. I think it's because, somehow, it just doesn't matter this time around.

So Zeke, I knew was male. And even before he refused to be born, I was getting distinct impressions of that side of his personality. My Ezekiel is so stubborn, I knew that right away, things must always be done at HIS pace and HIS way. And he is so unsure of the world and of his place in it. He gets that from me, just as much as his gentleness of nature is all his father's doing. My whole pregnancy I was so constantly filled with anxiety, and for no apparent reason. I've always struggled with anxiety but never as much as during that pregnancy. I've often wondered in a chicken or the egg type way if it was my anxiety during my pregnancy that caused Zeke to be such an anxious person or if it was his anxiety seeping into me that made me so anxious during those months we shared hormones and thoughts. I tend to believe the second, especially after this pregnancy which has been filled with such a sense of peace from the very beginning.

Ezekiel was born angry. He often releases fear and surprise as anger and I truly believe for better or worse that he wasn't prepared for birth. But when he was handed to me (and despite our long and slightly worrisome labor he was able to be handed to me almost right away) he looked at me with such open eyes, and so much calm, I felt like if he had words he would have said "Oh, it is you. If I had known it was you I wouldn't have been so concerned." We knew each other right away.

I feel like when this baby is born her words will be more along the lines of "Yes, it is you. I knew it to be so." She feels so much calmer, in my mind. And she feels more self-assured than Ezekiel ever did. When we have our quiet times together and I am telling her about my love for her, and about her father and how wonderful he is, and her Father in Heaven and how He is even MORE wonderful, and that she has a brother who is so full of gentleness, and how beautiful this world is, it's as if she is saying back to me "I know". I get the feeling some days that she knows even better than I do. And now, here I am, thinking of her as female again and I am not sure about that but I will tell you for sure that she has the same gentleness of spirit that is so evident in my son. One of Josh's many gifts to me.

I would say that I cannot wait to meet her. But that's not true. Because it feels as if I already know her so intimately. It's more like the excitement of a much-loved relative coming to visit than meeting a new person, no matter how exciting.

I dont have a belly pic at the moment but I'll get one up soon.

6 comments:

Kait T said...

I am sure She will be a girl. For sure. I think though that some of the things you said is exactly how I thought towards Lucy. I wasn't excited to meet her because I already knew her and I wasn't anxious to birth her becauase I was already anxious of her growing up too fast. I wouldn't have minded a few more weeks with it being just the two of us as one... had it not been for the weeks of labor. :)

Jamie said...

You switched from he to her in your post... makes me think it's a girl blueberry????

Melissa aka Equidae said...

what a beautiful post :) Wether a boy or a girl it is sure to brig you more happiness in your lives :)

Trish the dish said...

I remember during a prenatal yoga telling my fetus that he must be head down and stay that way. It was what I said when the teacher told us to "breathe down affirmations to your baby". Then at my next midwife appt, they told me he was head down. And he has been head down ever since. I think that babies must have some level of consciousness even in the womb and are aware of things going on outside of it.

Lianne said...

Oh Courtney, that was such a beautiful entry. Just... beautiful. <3

Tooj said...

What a lovely post. :) It takes me back to my two pregnancies. One so calm, so peaceful-exactly as he is now and has always been, five years later. The other so hostile, so angry (me and the baby in utero) and he's come out something fierce, someone to be HEARD. He's no Zeke on the outside, unsure or hesitant or calm. He's angry and loud and fiesty just as he was in my belly. I have the chicken/egg problem with that pregnancy and baby myself. :) I still haven't decided which I believe, and he's 1.5 years old now.

Yea for belly pics to come!