Fear

I know I said I wasnt going to talk about the hypnobabies a lot until I was finished with the program, and I still have 2 weeks left before I go into “maintanance” mode, but today I did a “fear release” session and surprisingly (to me) it actually brought up a lot of feelings and I now a very strong urge to talk about it. I really felt like I had processed Zeke's birth completely and “gotten over” it, but apparently no, that can of worms still had a few live ones.

So here goes. As I thought about my fears for this upcoming birth, trying to articulate to myself the things that I DON'T want to articulate, the things that I am, in fact, avoiding at all costs thinking about, there was one thing that came up right away and filled me with so much anxiety and shame, such weakness and remorse, regret and foreboarding, that I immediately burst out into tears. This might sound worse then it really was so let me take a little drama out of the situation by relating that I ALSO burst out into tears every time the song Josh and I got married to, the song I sang to Zekey on the very day of his birth, comes on. I also burst out into tears with a pitiful "I know I'm getting fat but I'm just so hungry!" a few days ago when Josh saw me eating a breakfast bar and said “Its ok, dinner was only 15 minutes ago after all” (What a newbie move right? Really, he should know better). So yeah, I'm a little emotional at the moment, but still, it was an intense moment and I am so thankful to have had it come to the surface (not the fat moment, the fear release moment, I realize I ramble).

The thing that had come up, though, was a very clear memory of being in labor with Zeke, a little over 24 hours in, when I just completely LOST MY SHIT. Until now I didn't realize how this memory has haunted me, how many times it has played over in my mind, how much it has affected my self esteem, my entire outlook on birth in general and Zeke's birth in particular. I've pushed this memory down, I've ignored it, I've buried it in cliché statements, I've pretended that I dont care, I've tried everything. But in my heart of hearts I still blame myself for that moment. I blame myself for my weakness and I honestly hate myself for that weakness.

Like I said, I was 24 hours into my labor and it was intense, and had been intense for an indeterminate amount of time. I had lost track of how long it had been like this but my contractions were 2 minutes on and 1 minute off, the kind of extra-long contraction that you only really get when induced. I was in the bathtub and actually handling everything beautifully. As beautifully as you can at that point, which is to say that I was silent, in a fetal position in the warm water, unable to talk or open my eyes and imagining punching Josh everything he so much as moved, let alone tried to say something or touch me.

Then it was nurse shift time, which meant the nurses had to come check me again (we had made a deal that progress would only be check at the end of each nurse shift, so every 9 hours or something like that). And it happened. The nurse checked my progress, my progress that I was sure was moving along just fine, and told me I was dilated to a 3. I had been dilated to a 3 for over a month at this point, literally, I was at a 3 the first time I was checked at 36 weeks. I think her exact words were “maybe a 3” and accompanied with such a grimace of disaproval...ah I remember her face so perfectly and it fills my eyes with tears again. And THAT my lovely readers is when I LOST MY SHIT.

All I could imagine was the nurse writing that in her book, that I was unable to have this baby, that I would be transferred to c-section, that this would last forever, and I started to hyperventilate. The nurses immidiatly starting freaking out, made me get out of the water and onto the bed, and shoved an oxegen mask on my face. I was trying to push the mask away, I was panicking, I was suddenly so much more uncomfortable on my back like that, and when I looked at Josh all I saw was the mirror of my own panic.

Within 10 minutes they had convinced me to get an epidural and I cried for maybe the next 3 hours at my failure. I have been, in a way, crying since then.

I felt and feel ashamed. And weak. And I feel even more ashamed and weak that it makes me feel ashamed and weak because I know 90% of you are like “get over it” and “your baby was born healthy so quit your whining” and I've tried that but I cant. So I am trying something new. I am accepting my feelings of shame and weakness, I am OWNING those feelings and they are ok. It's ok to feel that way. And at the same time I am doing something I NEVER EVER do. I am going to blame someone else. Because you know what? That WASNT my failure. That was the failure of my “support team”. Had they given me any reason to believe in myself I would have suceeded. And its ok to say that too.

And I talked to Josh about this, about how I love him but I feel like he failed me in a way. That I need him to be strong when I cant be, even if that's not fair. And I will be talking to midwife about this memory and the fear of it repeating. But I also already know...I just KNOW...that this wont, it cant, be repeated. Because, yes, while maybe I will hit a moment again where I just lose it, where I hyperventilate, where I panic, this time around, THIS time around, I will have the support I need. Josh now knows that in that moment, that temporary moment, that I need him to be strong, even if he has to fake it. And he is prepared. And Cathy is an amazingly experienced midwife and I know that she will not panic right along with me, that she has the ability to stay calm for me. And we will get thru that moment.

Another related and smaller memory came up as well. One that I had completely forgotten. This was earlier in labor. I was at that early stage of labor where you have to breath and close your eyes thru each contraction, concentration on releasing, but in between I was talking with Josh about the baby and laughing and moving around. A nurse came in to check up on me and ask how I was doing and I dont remember my exact words but I said something along the lines of “the contractions are getting much more powerful, I think we're making progress” and then I had a contraction right then, closed my eyes and moaned thru it. And the nurse said to me (again not exactly) “well you cant be making much progress, you smiled thru that contraction” and walked away.

I had forgotten. But now that I think about it, it was after that I started grimacing thru my contractions, I tried to tense up my stomach and make them hurt because that's the way “progress” was made, even though I knew no such thing was true. Maybe progress WASNT being made, obviously, actually it wasnt, since it was hours later that I was still at a 3. But its just a perfect example of the hospital attitude, a pefect example of why I am so happy to be having a home birth. There is no reason on earth why I cant smile thru EVERY contraction.

Blueberry update-29 weeks

After all that worrying I did last week about the little blueberry being in the worst position ever imaginable (not only breach (head up) but posterior (facing forward)...if your having a hard time seeing it he was sitting cross legged in my pelvis looking out my belly). Anyways, after all that worrying all it ended up taking was a half hour of sending little baby blue images of head-down-ness and he flipped himself (quite painfully) over. I'm not exactly great at telling position but from the general location of all my kicks and nudges it seems like he's remained head down ever since...although he still seems to favor a posterior position. I feel like this is due more to my own bad posture than anything else though and back labor (while not exactly a goal) is far FAR less worrisome to me than the c-section that blueberry's particular type of breach would have required. So I'm working on my posture but not exactly stressing it any longer.

The ease at which I was able to get him to flip over has really got me thinking, though, about how much more connected to this baby I feel these days. Zeke and I have such a lovely relationship. We always did, even in utero, and until recently I felt I wasn't connecting with this child like I did my last. I still cant figure out the sex, sometimes I'm sure it's a boy, other times, a girl. This week, in fact, I'm on a boy kick, hence all the "he's".

With Zeke I KNEW from the very beginning that he was a boy. I was so confident, in fact, in Ezekiel's maleness, that I told Josh before our ultrasound that if they said it was a girl, I wouldn't believe them. This pregnancy...I just cant seem to decide. I think it's because, somehow, it just doesn't matter this time around.

So Zeke, I knew was male. And even before he refused to be born, I was getting distinct impressions of that side of his personality. My Ezekiel is so stubborn, I knew that right away, things must always be done at HIS pace and HIS way. And he is so unsure of the world and of his place in it. He gets that from me, just as much as his gentleness of nature is all his father's doing. My whole pregnancy I was so constantly filled with anxiety, and for no apparent reason. I've always struggled with anxiety but never as much as during that pregnancy. I've often wondered in a chicken or the egg type way if it was my anxiety during my pregnancy that caused Zeke to be such an anxious person or if it was his anxiety seeping into me that made me so anxious during those months we shared hormones and thoughts. I tend to believe the second, especially after this pregnancy which has been filled with such a sense of peace from the very beginning.

Ezekiel was born angry. He often releases fear and surprise as anger and I truly believe for better or worse that he wasn't prepared for birth. But when he was handed to me (and despite our long and slightly worrisome labor he was able to be handed to me almost right away) he looked at me with such open eyes, and so much calm, I felt like if he had words he would have said "Oh, it is you. If I had known it was you I wouldn't have been so concerned." We knew each other right away.

I feel like when this baby is born her words will be more along the lines of "Yes, it is you. I knew it to be so." She feels so much calmer, in my mind. And she feels more self-assured than Ezekiel ever did. When we have our quiet times together and I am telling her about my love for her, and about her father and how wonderful he is, and her Father in Heaven and how He is even MORE wonderful, and that she has a brother who is so full of gentleness, and how beautiful this world is, it's as if she is saying back to me "I know". I get the feeling some days that she knows even better than I do. And now, here I am, thinking of her as female again and I am not sure about that but I will tell you for sure that she has the same gentleness of spirit that is so evident in my son. One of Josh's many gifts to me.

I would say that I cannot wait to meet her. But that's not true. Because it feels as if I already know her so intimately. It's more like the excitement of a much-loved relative coming to visit than meeting a new person, no matter how exciting.

I dont have a belly pic at the moment but I'll get one up soon.

Birth....at last

First let me say my beautiful son, Ezekiel, was born today at 10:35 am. 9 pounds 7 ounces, 21.5 inches long. He is as healthy as could possibly be imagined, breast fed within the first hour of being born and Josh and I are more blessed then we can express.

Next let me admit that nothing, and I mean nothing, went according to plan. I wanted to birth naturally without any interventions and instead had every single intervention possible except c-section. I feel like a failure, I failed every step along the way. And I know I got a beautiful baby and that should be enough, and it is enough, but at the same time I cant help wishing it could have gone differently.

So here it goes. We arrived at the hospital for our induction at 7 pm Monday. I was 3 centimeters dilated and the baby was at 0 station so they decided that cervical ripening wouldn't be necessary and I could start on low dose Pitocin right away. By 9 pm I was all set up and the game had begun. Josh and I watched some TV and tried to sleep.

In the morning, around 7 am or so, my contractions were still weak, I couldn't even feel them very much. I ate a small breakfast and we started to raise the Pitocin levels, which seemed to work pretty well. At least I was now getting medium strong contractions. Josh and I tried walking the halls, sitting on the birth ball, rocking in a rocking chair...everything to get things going faster and stronger. At noon my midwife decided to check me again and see what progress I had made after 15 hours of Pit. I was 3 centimeters...still.

We decided the Pit alone obviously wasn't doing enough. The next step was to break my water and see if maybe that could get things going faster, maybe even enough to turn the Pit down or even off. So break the waters we did. There was a little meconium, but not enough to stress about, and the contractions became much stronger. More walking, rocking, sitting, kneeling, swaying, and everything else under the sun ensued.

Still when I was checked about 3 hours later no progress had been made. Still 3 centimeters, so we started turning the Pit up again. Contractions became steadily harder and harder to deal with at that point and I became more and more tired. Josh and I pushed on, we tried every position and comfort procedure in the book, got in the jacuzzi, ect. By 9 pm the contractions were 1 minute on to 2 minutes off and about as strong as I could handle. My whole body was shaking and exhaustion was setting in. My midwife decided to check again. 3 centimeters. We all decided that my body was too tired to be able to go on any longer. We had to start an epidural.

After placing the epidural we tried to calm down and get some sleep. They put in an intra-uterine moniter so they could see how strong the contractions were and kept raising the Pitocin levels through the night, it didn't look promising but at some point in the middle of the night I was checked and found to be 5 centimeters. Only a 2 centimeter change after over 24 hours but at least we were over the hump. My midwife's shift ended at 7 so she checked again right before leaving, hallelujah I was at 10 centimeters and she thought I'd be able to push soon.

Between 8 and 8:30 I started to push with the help of the hospital nurses and back-up OB, they were absolutely wonderful. Let me add now that actually everyone was wonderful during this whole time, and that's saying something because we went thru 4 nurse shifts while we were there! So I pushed. I pushed and I pushed and I pushed. My epidural was starting to wear off so I was even able to feel a lot of it. By 10 the baby's heart-rate was starting to show a lot of distress though, they said I had to get an episiotomy to try to speed up labor, I just wasn't big enough. By 10:30 I was so close and they were so worried that they had to use the forceps. They barely tugged him and out he came all of a sudden in 2 pushes. Causing a 4th degree tear in the process.

NICU was waiting in the room to whisk the baby away if needed but right away he gave a good yell and a good poop. His 1 minute Apgar was a 6 and his 5 minute a 9. He was just fine and by the time I had pushed out the placenta they gave him to me to hold. I was just glad to be done. They stitched me up, I fed the baby. We both had our vitals taken and everything was fine.

There was a little concern about Zeke's blood sugar levels but after a second feeding he was fine.
Then there was some worry about me hemoraging, especially after such a long labor, but that seems to be fixing itself now as well. So now I'm just trying to take everything that's happened in the last 3 days in. My son and my husband are asleep, I should probably be too but my adrenaline is still high.

42 weeks

Well tonight I go into the hospital at 7pm to start the induction process. First, after getting checked in and all that good stuff, they will apply the cervical gel to "ripen" my cervix. Then I get to try to go to sleep at the hospital, and Josh gets to try to go to sleep at the hospital too but in that horrid pull-out couch so I guess I'm the lucky one. If I'm close enough to labor already the cervical gel itself might get things started, its been known to happen if not quite often. More likely in the morning, around 6 or 7 am, they will start me on an IV of pitocin to get contractions started. So if all goes according to plan the baby will be born tomorrow afternoon/early evening. Valerie Ewert is the midwife on call on Tuesdays, and I like her a lot, so that's good.

I don't know. I'm excited. And scared. For some reason I was never scared of spontaneous labor but I'm really really scared of being induced. I think it's because inductions are so much more painful, and the contractions hit harder faster. When you go into labor on your own your body kind of builds up and lets you get used to the idea before the real baddies hit. Inductions are generally faster, and that's a plus I suppose, but give me a slow gradual labor any day I think over a faster and harder one. I'm no sprinter, I've always preferred long distance.

I don't have a choice though, so I'm just praying for the strength to be able to do what I get. God never gives us more than we can handle right? Right.

Anyways, Josh is going to bring the laptop to the hospital so we will update a quick picture and some info either tomorrow night or Wed morning, depending on when the baby comes and how crazy it is and ect.