Have you ever had one of those emotion headaches? The kind of headache you get from just way way way too many emotions? Josh hasn't. We're pretty sure that Josh's most emotionally exhausting day EVER in his LIFE is pretty par for the course for me. It's one of those girl/guy things multiplied by the fact that I'm over-emotional he is one of the most zen people I've ever met. Multiply that again by my pregnancy and you kind of wonder how the man survives.
But anyways I've had one of those headaches for about a week now. It's only part actual stuff that's happening. It's mostly the fact that it's all happening at once and I'm at a hormonal state to deal with none of it.
A. Zeke is testing testing testing lately. First it was public tantrums. Zeke isn't much of a tantrum thrower. He's not one of those kids with all that excess emotion they cant control, he's just faking it to see if it will get a response. They never did at home when he tried them out but I suppose he just HAD to see if they would work better at the store. Not really. I just strap him to the cart/drag him bodily behind me while he thrashes and keep on going. But its embarrassing, and exhausting, and hopefully hopefully HOPEFULLY over because he hasn't tried it again in a week now.
THEN he started doing that dead weight thing that toddlers do when he doesn't want to go somewhere. That or running away. Twice I've had to do the whole "I'm leaving without you and walking out the front door" thing. ALSO now when he is angry at me he will growl. Or if he doesn't like what I am saying he sticks his fingers in his ears and turns away. Lord only knows where he learned that little trick.
And with it all together mixed with an over-all "I will do what I want and you cant stop me" attitude we fight all day long.
B. I've got major cat sibling rivalry going on. Ziggy is super needy all day, and so far during their "play times" goes from pouting in the corner and refusing to look at me, strutting around the room eating Mony's food, laying in her bed, and using her litter box like he's king of the world, and all-out attacking her. Let's just say that so far, its not going well and I'm quickly losing hope that we can ever be a two cat family. Josh thinks they just need more time and says its always like this with cats but seriously? How do people ever have two cats then?
And the whole thing is bring up fears about havign a second child. I THINK Zeke will do well but seriously? What if he takes blueberry about as well as Ziggy is taking Mony? Are we going to have a needy, pouting, strutting, attacking 18 month old on our hands in January?
C. My friend Elizabeth went into labor Friday night and gave birth Saturday morning to a still born baby girl. It was completely unexpected and between mourning for her and her horrible loss and then suddenly being anxious for my own baby I am a little bit of a mess.
D. My other friend Kaitie has been in labor on and off for about a week now. She's physically and emotionally spent and for some reason I'm finding it my duty to be exhausted and emotionally spent FOR her. I seriously have so much empathy at this point that I'm almost feeling her contractions.
E. Its the first week of Josh's elongated work schedule from hell and I feel really unsupportive and awful about the way I've dealt with it so far. Mostly because as he was complaining about parking or traffic or some such nonsense this weekend I told him that I understood that work was horrible right now and that he was cranky but I just plain didnt have the emotional capacity right now to deal with him and he was going to have to leave work at work and be happy at home. He said he was sorry and that I was right and he would try but I feel awful about it.
I ask him to deal with MY left-over crankiness from rough days all the time. Seriously ALL THE TIME. And I feel horrible that I cant do the same for him, its not that hard just to listen to some steam releasing complaining after all. But I really just cant handle him on top of the rest. I need him to be my rock or else I will REALLY go insane. And I cant tell if I'm doing good for our marriage by letting him know my needs before either one of us are mad or if I need to put his needs first because after all I have the energy to deal with A-D.
Ugh. I need a drink. An alcoholic one. And I really dont think it can wait 3 more months.
PS Advice on terrible 15 months (that's a well known malady right?), sibling cat rivalry, pregnancy fears, and marriage welcome. Please fix me.
And PPS I promise my next post (after tomorrows WFDW of course) will be ALL positive. I will talk about how wonderful Zeke is and the great parts of having a new kitten, and how happy I am with my pregnancy and marriage.