This is our first "accidental" pregnancy. With both of our miscarriages, and with Zeke, we were trying. With Mal, we weren't trying per say but we were letting nature take its course with full knowledge of what that would eventually entail, even if we were a little surprised at how quickly it entailed it.
I'll admit this time around, we were very actively NOT trying. And I will also admit when I finally gave in and took a pregnancy test, and then another, and then yet another, I had to go thru a bit of a mourning period. It sounds awful to say it, a baby is always a blessing. But another baby right now was not part of The Plan. And while I've learned over and over and over again that God has His own plans...well I've never much been one to take it with grace.
I liked The Plan.
Now my plan has been demolished and I'm sitting in the rubble unsure of how my body is going to handle another pregnancy so soon, or of how long I'm going to be able to continue breastfeeding Malachi, or of how I'm going to be able to parent an infant when I have a barely 1 year old and a 2 1/2 year old also in the house. The 13 or 14 month difference between these two makes Mal and Zeke's 19 months sound cushy. I'm going to have 3 kids under 3 years old. We aren't sure, either, how we are going to afford another baby. Another mouth to feed, another bum to diaper, another pair of feet that will need shoes. The babysitter is going to need a raise and our family definitely isn't going to fit in our Honda anymore, so add to it all a new car.
And so I mourned, just a bit. I mourned the lengthy time breastfeeding I had planned for Malachi. I will be happy to get him to 6 months at this point, and lucky to last any further. I mourned the loss of my body. I just got back into my size 8's last week. I mourned the fact that there really is no end in sight. I've been either pregnant or breastfeeding without break since September 2007. This baby is going to be born March 2011, add a year of breastfeeding and we're talking about 5 straight years of eating for two (and sometimes three).
Josh had been telling me I was pregnant for a week...the last straw was me promptly rolling down all the windows after picking him up from work because he had "eaten something". We've gotten pregnant 4 times in our 4 years of marriage, this 5th pregnancy coming in right before our upcoming 5th anniversary. The man can tell when I'm pregnant.
So, he wasn't much surprised when I ended his Father's Day card "Daddy of THREE." And his lack of surprise aided, I think, in his pure joy at the news. He smiled, he laughed, he kissed me and said he was happy...and then he got online to research how much our car is worth and to send his resume into a few job openings that look to pay more, giving just a little doubt to his characteristic "everything will be fine"...but only just a little.
Oh husband of mine. I can only do this because I have you.
Unrelatedly, Malachi is not fond of applesauce.