Telling Everyone is the Hardest Part

I glimpse it between slow blinks. It's always at the top right hand corner of my medical sheet. Multipara 5-2.

Nothing in this life has been more sorrowful to me than those numbers. 5-2. blink. 5-2.

Five verified pregnancies. Two live births.

Five times life has quickened in my womb. Only twice have I been given the chance to hold that child in my arms.

The knowledge that it wont ever be 5-3 brings me to my knees.

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away and who am I to complain when He takes from all the abundance of His giving? Who am I to cry salt tears surrounded by the dirty diapers and dishes piled high in the sink and bright plastic that has become so much background noise and yet speaks so loudly of all that He has blessed me with.

I, more than most women, understand what a blessing all those plastic toys strewn around my house truly are.

And who am I, anyways, to mourn a child that, let's all be honest with each other, I never exactly expected. But unexpected was not unloved or even unwanted and even in two short weeks shock can turn into excitement can turn into love. I don't have any excuse except that once a child was imagined, a child was longed for, and once my arms knew to expect another miracle they felt terrible empty without it.

The Lord hath giveth and I've grown to understand that He may also take away. I have learned to stand as tall as Job. God is good. All the time.

And I have so much to be thankful for. Two sons healthy. That I miscarried early, before I had a chance to fall deeper in love, and easily, with no uncomfortable medical procedures required. There is always so much to be thankful for and while my mind sometimes will wander, do fetus's who die before their hearts even begin to beat go to heaven? when is it a life and when is it just an expectation?, I mostly count the blessings. Two sons healthy. So much more than many have been given.


ivymae said...

Oh Courtney. Your children, no matter how you count them, are so blessed to have you. Let the grace fill you up, so there is no room for anger, but be patient with yourself when you are human and weap. *Thinking of you*

Kari Marchelli said...

I'm' so sorry for your loss.

Holly said...

Oh Courtney, I am so sorry. Especially sorry I ran into you yesterday at the store.

Of course ALL babies go to heaven even if they don't have heartbeats that are heard yet. God creates each life before we humans do. He will surely take each of them home to spend eternity with Him.

God's plans are so much greater than ours. Trust in Him and know that He is there for you to embrace you, to take care of you now and always. He knows what you can and cannot handle. His plan is perfect even if it is not our own.

I admire your ability to remain thankful. It's difficult to do.

Rachel said...

I'm so, so sorry. :-(((

I'm sure all of your lost children have gone to heaven, because that is where you would wish them to have gone. The love of a mother, and the love of her god.
And even if it was not an independent life, it's definitely still life, even prior to conception. I guess the question, and the great debate, is soul.... but if there was one (and Holly says there was even before conception, which I seem to recall is the common Christian belief), then certainly it would have gone to heaven.

What a huge hole all 3 must have left in you heart. :-(
Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help ease you through this time.

Llama Wanderings said...

I am sorry to hear of your lost; it's one of the hardest things to go through. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. It's comforting to know we/I am not alone in this struggle.

Ami said...

((())) I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. My numbers are 4-2, so I understand. It's so hard... Praying for you.

Jen said...

I'm so sorry. We send our love.

Audra said...

I'm so very sorry. Those words sound quite small and inefficient, but I am, and I wish there was something I could do.

the Furgason Family said...

I'm so sorry. I know the pain you are feeling. :(

Lianne said...

Oh Courtney, I am so, so sorry. If there is anything can do, please don't hesitate to ask. I'll be praying for you and your family. Hold tight, you are not alone.

Melissa aka Equidae said...

so sorry for your loss. may your pain pass quickly

Jennspiration said...

We love you! Let us know if you need anything ok!