Sometimes I'm Hanging By a String (#52-66)

Sometimes, oh sometimes, I am holding on by a string.

I will admit it.

I'll even admit that sometimes even that string snaps with a crack that reverberated these walls, and oh God, my God, I am left shaking and crying and just plain don't. know. what. to. do. Two babies looking up to me to guide them thru this life and here I am- drowning. A husband who comes home and never knows what wife will greet him and oh I know we've had our seasons- we have both leaned on the other at one time or another because isn't that what marriage is? But he has been holding me up for just plain too long this time.

Hormonally nothing has been easy since my miscarriage in July and I rollercoaster from top of my game, to chugging right along, to just plain desperation. I've experimented with herbs, and with vitamins, and now even with hormones but I just can't get myself leveled out to a state of non-panic that lasts any longer than a week.

I am exhausted, and I've run out of options.

And surprisingly that very running out of options is what I am thankful for the most this week. I know its not popular but I will say it- Its when I'm out of all other options and my strength is the lowest that I draw closest to the source of all strength.

"My soul waits in silence for God only, for my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; and I shall not be shaken. On God my salvation and my glory rest; the rock of my strength, my refuge is in God. Trust in Him at all times. Oh people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us." Psalms 63:5-8

"For the mountains may be removed and the hills may shake, but my lovingkindness will not be removed from you, and my peace will not be shaken" Isaiah 54:10

My hands often shake as much as those hills as I light my prayer candles in the afternoon, I am so filled with need. And when the clock chimes my hourly Jesus prayer never has my whispered "Have mercy on me, a sinner" filled my heart so. Often these days I need that mercy anew every hour.

But hard as it is, I am thankful for this time.

#66 The reminder of the source of all strength, when my strength has reached its lowest.

52. Offers to take a bath while Josh watches the kids.

53. Finding, and ordering, the perfect book for advent reading.

54. Creative outlets of all kinds.

55. Calender shopping and all the promise of those empty squares.

56. Knowing God will provide, even though we arent sure how.

57. Babies first spaghetti dinner.

58. Having God provide, oh so perfectly.

59. The way lemonade gives way to applecider, which gives way to egg nog- counting the seasons in my mug.

60. Cinnamon, and two children who appreciate it as much as I do.

61. Knitting group.

62. The way Zeke prefaces every sentence with "Sometimes..."

63. Turkey thawing in the fridge, even though its over a week to Thanksgiving.

64. Honest conversations with other moms about those moments when you have plain reached the end of your rope.

65. Eating dinner by candle light, because it makes the kids stop yelling.


Kari Marchelli said...

Hang in their Courtney! You are an amazing mother. I can't imaine how you have been feeling after a miscarriage but just remember that you have a wonderful husband and friends you can lean on.

anythingbutsnow said...

I love that knitting group made your list, we love you too, anything you need just ask babe :)

Anonymous said...

I'm thinking that you wouldn't be comfortable with this, at least not now, but know that you're not out of options and can try anti-anxiety/anti-depressant meds if needed. Good luck! :)

Elizabeth said...

Keeping it real, this is life, we need Jesus. We need help. It's okay :) My hope is that I reach for Jesus before I throw something, but that isn't always the case. Being a mom of wee ones can be tough. Hormones can be tough. I am blessed that I have people (especially my husband) who will put up with me when I fall apart. Also my heart grieves with you over your miscarriage. Every life is a gift from God, no matter how short it's time on earth may be.
Love you!