"There is no way out of the experience except through it, becasue it is not really your experience at all, but the baby's. Your body is your child's instrument of birth"
I've been thinking about that line recently. (It's from the book Your Baby and Child btw) It's much the same sentiment that my midwife, Cathy, was trying to press on me a few weeks back when we talked about Zeke's birth and the pain I was still carrying from it. Well ONE of many sentiments, really. We talked for almost 2 hours after all and by the way, I cant remember if I ever wrote about it, but I walked away from that night feeling so healed. Just to hear that I had done nothing wrong, and had nothing to be ashamed of lifted such a weight off my chest that I cant express the lightness of the next few days. I am so thankful to have a midwife that is taking my whole health, including my emotional health, seriously. And for the fact that she is willing to spend that kind of time with me, outside normal scheduled appointments. It has made such a difference the last few months and I can only imagine the kind of impact it will have during the next 2.
But as I was trying to say, it has been so healing for me to understand that while birthing is definitely an experience for the mother, a transformation, and a huge one at that...at the HEART of it, it isnt about me at all. This is my baby's journey, not mine. Zeke's journey into this world was not perfectly what I had planned or wanted. It was not easy and it was not average but it IS what he needed.
I also really believe that if I can just fully grasp this simple fact, that I am merely an instrument for my baby, things will go so much easier for me. I am working so hard on not fighting it this time. So many people have told me that the only thing to do is buckle down and push thru labor, to fight thru it. I dont think so, though. If I learned anything from Zeke it is that labor was easiest when I merely allowed it. When I stepped aside, in a way and just let my baby have his process. And that makes so much sense. Becasue it isnt my journey. I am merely an instrument.