"There is no way out of the experience except through it, becasue it is not really your experience at all, but the baby's. Your body is your child's instrument of birth"

I've been thinking about that line recently. (It's from the book Your Baby and Child btw) It's much the same sentiment that my midwife, Cathy, was trying to press on me a few weeks back when we talked about Zeke's birth and the pain I was still carrying from it. Well ONE of many sentiments, really. We talked for almost 2 hours after all and by the way, I cant remember if I ever wrote about it, but I walked away from that night feeling so healed. Just to hear that I had done nothing wrong, and had nothing to be ashamed of lifted such a weight off my chest that I cant express the lightness of the next few days. I am so thankful to have a midwife that is taking my whole health, including my emotional health, seriously. And for the fact that she is willing to spend that kind of time with me, outside normal scheduled appointments. It has made such a difference the last few months and I can only imagine the kind of impact it will have during the next 2.

But as I was trying to say, it has been so healing for me to understand that while birthing is definitely an experience for the mother, a transformation, and a huge one at the HEART of it, it isnt about me at all. This is my baby's journey, not mine. Zeke's journey into this world was not perfectly what I had planned or wanted. It was not easy and it was not average but it IS what he needed.

I also really believe that if I can just fully grasp this simple fact, that I am merely an instrument for my baby, things will go so much easier for me. I am working so hard on not fighting it this time. So many people have told me that the only thing to do is buckle down and push thru labor, to fight thru it. I dont think so, though. If I learned anything from Zeke it is that labor was easiest when I merely allowed it. When I stepped aside, in a way and just let my baby have his process. And that makes so much sense. Becasue it isnt my journey. I am merely an instrument.


ivymae said...

Oh man, that is one to mull over. It also struck me, reading this, that parenting is very similar in some regards. I get so caught up in my side of our relationship, that I forget that this whole song and dance isn't about ME. It's about them, and how they experience the world... and I am just their guide through that. Of course i am entitled to my emotions about that experience (in the same way i will be entitled to the effort and sensations of birth) but when I put the focus on me in either situation, all I am doing is slowing us down.


coco-ono said...

I never thought about it in regards to parenting but you are so right! I too often forget that our relationship also has a view from Zeke's side of things, that he can be just as frustrated with me as I am him. It is strange to think that I am his mother...not just that he is my son, if that makes sense.

Trish the dish said...

Thanks for the reminder! I'm wondering everyday if today will be it but still not quite yet. But when I do go into labor, I'll think to just let it happen. I bet it'll be a great learning experience for me seeing how it is, and how I react and just all of it!

Tooj said...

I will preface my comment with the fact that I believe I am nowhere near your state of mind when it comes to baby-having and the like....but I certainly hope this doesn't get me a "blocked reader" status. LOL

I love that quote in the beginning of this post. While it might mean very different things to you and me, I think the sentiment is strong enough to cross bridges. I also feel this way as a mother. We're now the instrument and bridge for our little people to start making their mark, and experience this life for themselves. It's no longer about US but about what we can be in someone else's process.

I, by no means, think we have to roll over, play dead, and ignore the good things that come our way as adults, marriage partners, friends, etc. But ultimately, our decisions become an instrument for how the little people will view the world, experience the world, touch the world.