"Are you having any more?" she asks. Baby on her lap, baby on mine. It's small talk, but lovingly asked. I open my mouth to answer but pause...

Why does that question have to be so complicated?

I can't very well say, "Well, I want another, even another a pair. Our family, so very full, still seems incomplete. And every time I see a swelling belly like yours I get weak in the knees and teary in the eyes and my own flat (ish) stomach seems desolate. But you see, I have 3 more already, that you don't see here. That I don't see, or ever see, but I feel them. And I'm terrified. Pure terrified to add to the children that I don't see, and not to the children that I see. It keeps me up at night, that fear. Just as much as the longing for another baby keeps me up, especially on those days that Mal pushes me away and runs off. And then there is the fact that I haven't been able to count on a good nights sleep in over 3 years now. I haven't been able to call my body fully mine for over 3 years, pregnancy following breastfeeding following another pregnancy like I've had. And to tell you the truth, I would like to drink. And sleep. And go running, for sometimes hours, and not have my lungs taxed by a uterus grown heavy or breasts tight and uncomfortable with milk. I just hit my pre-baby weight last week. 14 months later. It was hard work and I want to revel in it a bit before I swell out again. But that swell is so lovely, isn't it? That moment you know you are in labor so incomparable to any other. And that newborn smell. You smell the dont you? Doesn't everybody?"

So I say, "Yes." but it doesn't ring true. Or I say, "Not this year." but that wasn't the question, was it? Would "maybe" be a better answer? "God willing" seems so dramatic.


I'm filling out a questionnaire form for my Listen To Your Mother introduction, trying to answer questions like What is one thing people dont know about you? and What is your personal motto? both cleverly and honestly, in a way that really represents who I am.

I think I'm overthinking this.


Malachi is going thru Arnica like nobody's business and just might get me turned into CPS one of these days.

Still counting...

268. Rushing thru the pages of a book only to put it down at the end and wish you had savored it a bit more.

269. That moment a friend becomes family.

270. The quiet of Lent- just enough darkness to see the stars.

271. Gypsy cold care tea.

272. Honey.

273. The way Malachi roars while holding a giraffe in my face.

274. Google images.

275. All the phrases Zeke picks up from Winnie the Poo on CD.

276. Soft baby skin.

277. The weight of a head on your shoulder.

278. Getting out all the ingredients for a salad, considering, and then making nachos instead.

279. Nacho cheese sauce.

280. Our annual Lowe's date night.

281. Fancy chandeliers.

282. Romantic reminiscing.

283. Atonement.

284. Arnica.

285. Finally reaching pre-baby weight. Even if it did take over a year.

286. Birthday parties.

287. Silly play sunglasses.

288. Watching the thanks of my friends built up on Facebook. A revolution of joy.

289. New Board Games.

290. Dancing to ABBA with my boys.

291. That our 4 newly planted raspberry "sticks" can remind Josh of his grandmother's raspberry patch as a child.

292. Buying life jackets in March in the hope of June fun.

1 comment:

anymommy said...

I know that painful nonanswer to an unasked question. And don't stress the LTYM intro sheet. We'll find an intro that works perfectly for each reader as we all get to know each other.