Its About The Effort

Malachi fell very comically off the pew during the sermon today and at least 15 people surrounding us laughed. I sighed.

I live in constant expectation of a letter, "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Clark, please go find another church to attend... preferably of another denomination." Either that or a shiny new plaque, "Most disruptive family of the year." Congratulations.

Church attendance for the last...oh 3 years, has been more of a survival exercise then anything else. I try, I really do. It's just that I always seem to have a baby that absolutely refuses to go into the nursery and all my attempts to keep him silent during the sermon somehow manage to be both completely futile and completely distracting. I can usually manage to gather about half of the message, while keeping him at a low airplane-take-off volume.

I'm sure no one around us is lucky enough to even hear that blessed half, not with Malachi throwing cheetos, pushing cars thru the isles, and yelling about the "fishy, fishy! FISHY!" on the wall. Oh and my personal favorite- motorboating my chest. Every Sunday I feel like passing a hand over my forehead,"phew, we made it thru on more service" and then going individually to every other person there and apologizing.

The situation is hilarious- I'm the first to admit it. But it's also disheartening. On the one hand, I know our church membership and they are endlessly forgiving and patient. I dare say they actually enjoy our kids antics. On the other hand, sometimes I wish I didn't have to be the one on Ash Wednesday with the kids running in wild circles while I attempt to sing. Sometimes I fail to see the virtue in ruining everyone else's experience.

Its the effort that counts right?

I hope so, because honestly this permeates thru so much of our spiritual life right now. The family prayers that Zeke repeatedly interrupts to inform us that we forgot to thank God for his fork, and Malachi forgets about completely halfway thru, stuffing his mouth with noodles and only remembering to fold his hands again for the yelled "amen!" The "quiet time" I take every afternoon to read my bible and pray...the one that's interrupted 4569 times. The one where I read about patience, and then quickly lose it when a fight breaks out.

Please tell me its the effort that counts.

Preschool Blues

Our new in-the-car routine goes something like this:

"I'm not allowed to kick people, right?"

"right."

"But I'm allowed to kick a bad guy, like if I saw a bad guy, and we were fighting, right?"

"right."

"My left hand makes an L, right?"

"right."

"There are red apples, and green apples, and pear apples, but only 1 a day, right?"

"right."

"But baby gets one too, so that means 2, right?"

"right."

"Excavators are too big to fit in our house, right?"

"right."

And honestly its been kind of fun. For one thing, I can barely listen, because all I have to do is wait for a pause and then say right. Anything else is unnecessary and frankly, unwanted. Beats the constant "why" game, which for the record, you can never win and often requires some mind-bending thinking. Not as nice as driving in blessed silence, or listening to the radio in peace but let's be honest, those were never possibilities anyways.

So now I get a glimpse of what exactly is going thru Zeke's brain every time we climb in the car. The things that have struck him, the things that he's pondering, the lessons he's remembered. And it's often hella interesting. And its often heartening to know how much he is paying attention, all too often I feel like the peanuts teacher- wah wah wah.

And every once in a while it makes me feel kind of bad.

"Mac goes to school, right?"

"right."

"and Xavia goes to school, right?"

"right."

"and Mckenzie goes to school, right?"

"right..."

"And Preston goes to school, right?"

"Not yet, but he will start to go to school next week."

"And I will go to school next week too, right?"

"Uhh...no, you stay home with mommy and malachi."

"oh."

And we've had variations of this conversation over, and over, and over again. We've talked about how some people go to school, and some people go to work, and some people stay home. We've talked about how Layla doesn't go to school either, or Noah. We've talked about how when you go to school you are by yourself, and mommies aren't allowed. But apparently none if it sets in- this kid wants to go to school.

Its not like I wasn't somewhat prepared that this conversation would happen. Sooner or later he would want to go to school, sooner or later the answer would be no. We are planning on homeschooling after all.

But I'll admit that I wasn't prepared for it now.

Honestly, homeschooling plans aside, Zeke wouldn't go to preschool this year anyways. We just plain cant afford it. It's too expensive. The one preschool co-op that I know of is semi-affordable at 50 dollars a month for two days a week. But honestly even that- with a 35 dollars a quarter, and another 35 registration fee tacked on feels a bit cost prohibitive.

Add to that its being a co-op- which means it requires that I volunteer one day a week- which means finding babysitting for Mal one day a week...its just not going to work.

And I'm still really not convinced that Zeke would enjoy it- he's blissfully looking over that whole "he'd have to go by himself" bit I think. But he thinks he would enjoy it. He sees this giant, mysterious, thing that everyone (seemingly) else gets to do and he doesn't get to do. And he thinks it would be wonderful.

And I'm not sure that he's wrong.

And I hate it.

Oh Claudia

We got Claudia last Fall, despite repeatedly saying that I did not really want a dog, and even despite the fact that everything about her was wrong.

Well, she's turning 1 in September. She's gone from this:

To this:

An I can now say that she was arguably the best decision we made last year. The vote is still out, but she's a definite contender for greatest dog ever.

That's not to say there haven't been challenges. Leash training this dog nearly killed me. I gave up several times before we finally figured out how to "heel". We also had to work thru teething, and the loss of several of the kids toys; digging, and the loss of several rows of my garden; house training, which definitely contributed to the loss of our carpets; and the over-all Aussie neediness and stubbornness.

But she's a year old now, and we are out of the puppy stage, we're even out of the even worse 7-9 month stage (the age at which most "owner surrenders" are taken to the pound- aka doggie teens). Things with Claudia this summer have been decidedly...wonderful.

She has become my true partner. Following me like a shadow, in true Aussie style. She knows all her basic commands, her "sit" and "stay" and "come" and "drop it". She waits her turn to go out the door, and heels on our nightly walk, stopping at every crosswalk and ignoring barking dogs. I can leave the front door open while I unload groceries and know that she wont wander off.

Better yet, I can send her into the front yard while the boys ride their bikes and trust her to bark every time they step into the road, or ride further then their allowance.

Aussies are famous for needing a job to be happy, and Claudia has certainly found her job. She's a stricter mommy then even I am, and tells the boys off every time they fight, and tattles ever time they are naughty. Zeke opened the back gate the other day and went into the alley- and I knew it within 10 seconds.

And dare I say it? We have enjoyed her so much that I've been keeping my eyes out this week for another dog. Because I will admit the one thing that Claudia could improve on is more ability to entertain herself, and more confidence when left alone.

I'm being picky. I want a dog, not a puppy. Something between 1-4.

It doesn't have to have impeccably trained, or even trained at all; but it does have to be well socialized- with kids, dogs, and cats. Because we have all of the above, and they are all too precious to me to risk anything.

We want it to be somewhere around Claudia's size. A small medium to medium sized dog, about 25-50 pounds.

Ideally we'd like another herding breed, or mix of herding breed. An aussie, or a collie, or a sheepdog. They have their downsides, and oh boy do we know them better then anyone. But they are downsides we are familiar with- and there is something to be said for that. And they are downsides I can deal with. I can take a dog that will constantly try to dominate, and requires constant attention- a dog that digs however...

So obviously we know that there are certain breeds we aren't interested in at all- no pit bulls, no huskies, no chows or labradors, no beagles or daschunds or for that matter any type of hound. No terriers. It's not necessarily that those are bad breeds, they just aren't a good fit for us. I know several lab owners, for example, that adore their dogs. Obviously that leaves quite a few breeds we are just plain unfamiliar with- spaniels for example. Or what to do when a breed we like is mixed with a breed we don't, a husky/collie for example. We will cross those bridges when it comes.

We'd prefer a male over a female. Because getting two dogs of opposite sex to get along is a lot easier then two dogs of the same.

We'd prefer it to be neutered, because it's expensive and we feel very, very, strongly that all dogs should be.

We need it to be cheap(ish), hopefully even from a rescue. We have financial and moral issues with paying 100's of dollars to a breeder for a family dog.

But mostly we are waiting to fall in love. It certainly worked last time.

Sibling Fighting

For the past week, for the first time in their lives, my boys have been fighting. It feels like all day long, but in reality I know its probably only as much as all siblings fight...maybe even less.

It's just hit me hard because, like I said, they've never actually done this before. Since Mal's birth, they were always just two peas in a happy little pod. From the first, and honestly even in utero, they've just had this amazing connection. Like they were meant to be together. Truly in all ways a pair.

And now suddenly they fight.

And I suppose I'm just overreacting. My kids are together 24/7. They wake up within a half hour of each other, they eat all their meals together, they play together, they take their naps together, they watch cartoons together, they read books together, they go outside together, they go to bed together. Any special outing or art project or cooking that one gets to do, the other has a finger in. What relationship on this earth could ever withstand that kind of continuous company and not fight now and then?

And of course there's the oft repeated fact that its not how much you fight, but how you fight that matters. We've been working on the correct ways of fighting; and talking about how everyone needs to just be alone sometimes. We've been talking about how that is ok, and important to respect.

Whoever wants to be alone is usually the one that's best understanding it right now :)

I suppose I'm just taking it so seriously because their relationship is so important to me. Your siblings are the people that know you the longest, after all. Long before your spouses, long after your parents are gone.

To have a brother, is to have someone that's got your back for life.

I try to pray for my kids daily. I firmly believe that there is nothing, absolutely nothing, more powerful than I can do in their lives than to pray for them. And I pray for a lot of things; for virtues I want them to have, for sufferings I want them to be spared from. I pray that they would be true to themselves, and that they would be blessed, I pray for their future spouses, for their passions, for their careers. And increasingly since Mal has been born I've felt led to pray for their relationship with each other.

For their brotherhood.

I dont know if its important for them, or if it's just important.

But I do know this- they are a pair.

And I wont let them forget it.

Up

The front door slams and I recognize his footsteps on the wood floors.

"Mom! I'm hungry!"

And every inch of me freezes; I'm suspended in front of the refrigerator, door wide open and vegetables for dinner in hand.

And oh Lord, my Lord, when will it stop? When will they stop getting bigger? His growing pains have ceased for the time being, but mine...oh mine. I begin to wonder if this ache is permanent.

Malachi heard his brother as well and suddenly he's running to the front door.

Despite his mortification on the subject, Malachi is not allowed to play in the front yard by himself and was therefor pouting with me in the kitchen while Zeke raced back and forth on his bicycle. Even watching him thru the window is too painful.

I don't blame him. He always goes too fast- every time I glance out the window my breath catches in my throat and my arms lift as if to keep him from falling.

"Did you put your bike away?" I ask, as he settles himself heavily into a kitchen chair, little brother loyally following.

And I pretend to not notice the way he rolls his eyes as he answers, "It's in the garage, mom."

I pretend not to see his scabbed knees either, the tennis shoes suddenly huge in size 10, the way he's outgrowing his t-shirt (yet again), they way he needs another haircut, they way he relaxes his thin frame against the back of the chair.

And I chop zucchini, if only to keep my hands busy. If only to keep from running over and picking him up and rocking him like the baby that he isn't anymore. I can still pick him up, after all. Who knows how much longer until I cant?

Note to Self

Next time you hear the words, "Oh man, mommy is gonna be MAD" don't go in the room. Just don't. Grab your keys and drive away instead. Perhaps to someplace tropical...and remote.

2 pounds of oatmeal...on the floor.

I've sent my kids into the backyard and informed them they aren't allowed in the house anymore.

Lost and Found

"Mommy, we don't even have a baby in this house anymore." Zeke tells me disdainfully when I sit in the rocking chair and announce I need a baby. Maybe it's something they discussed privately because Malachi, who usually runs to me all open arms at this oft-repeated pronouncement, just briefly looks up before going back to his book.

"Maybe Claudia can be your baby." is my eldest's only comfort before he runs to his brother and solemnly hands him a plastic tyrannosaurus. His brontosaurus swings it's tail to whack Mal's T-Rex and Mal gives out a great roar. We all know the brontosaurus will win, they always do. It comes from watching too much Land Before Time, if you ask me.

I just sit in silence. Claudia, who heard her name, comes padding up and gives me a quizzical look and I feel like the classic Dr Seuss in reverse..."Are you my baby?" But when she realizes no one is offering up treats or petting even she wanders off. So much for the loyalty of dogs.

Malachi's arm reaches back and he absently scratches at his curls. Watching the motion it hits me that I should have seen this coming. Since when has he moved with such ease? When exactly did he grow up?

He hasn't nursed in a week.

Weaning at 19 months is no shock, and he's been slowly breastfeeding less and less all summer, but still- I was surprised. I can't even remember our last time.

Maybe it's the finality of it that's bothering me so much. The end of babyhood and now suddenly I have two toddlers. Or, to be more honest a toddler and a preschooler. Oh my.

I'm keeping myself busy to distract from the sheer insanity of it. No babies. I am both thrilled and dejected.

I'm lost and I'm found.

Close to Nature, Close to Perfect (#400-419)

While I am so so thankful for the parks that dot pretty much every mile of this city, with their metal climbing structures and plastic slides- I have to admit that sometimes it's nice to go to a park without them. While the playgrounds get safer, my boys find no end of physical challenges while climbing trees.

The shade of a willow becomes our house, and an impromptu reenactment of The Three Little Pigs is begun. Sticks become swords and battles are fought.

Small streams become raging rivers. Bushes become hidden caves. Flowers are suddenly secret islands full of treasure.

Every rock is a mountain.

Just waiting to be conquered.

There is always a shady spot, to enjoy an apple and a laugh.

And we come home a few hours later exhausted, and full of adventure, and full of thanks.

Dor bubbling streams (#413), for the wonders of a weeping willow (#414), for stick-swords(#415), and rock-mountains(#416). For living in a city were all of this is just 15 minutes away (#417). For climbing trees (#418), for boys who see trees and bushes and rocks as so soo much more (#419).

And for a lot of other things as well.

--------------------

Because I'm still finding the hidden grace, and counting 1,000 ways I am blessed. 1,000 things to be thankful for; 1,000 ways I am loved every moment by Love Himself.

400. Strawberry lemonade.

401. Kiddie pools warmed in the sun.

402. Crazy water toys.

403. Homemade strawberry icecream.

404. Dates with my son.

405. Strawberry, raspberry, blueberry cobbler.

406. The "problem" of using up pounds and pounds of homegrown berries.

407. Summer rain.

408. Movie theatres.

409. Giant yellow squash flowers.

410. Green eyes.

411. Curly whirly baby hair.

412. A job for Josh.

That was...anticlimactic

Today is Josh's first day back at work. In all, he was unemployed for exactly 1 week. Instead of the months of job searching and tightening of belts we were all geared up for, he was hired at a slightly better wage then he made before, and did it faster then his severance pay was out. How in the world being laid-off became financially beneficial is beyond me, but I'm not going to question it too deeply. This company apparently even does regularly scheduled evaluations, complete with regularly scheduled raises- a thing that never happened in all the years Josh worked at his old one. So all in all we are very, very happy and in a general awe at how things always seem to work out for our good.

Now I just feel silly for all that worrying I did.

In other news I got sick of waiting for summer to start. While the rest of the country is in a record breaking heat wave, I can count on my fingers the number of days we've reached the 80's, and I'm not 100% sure we've reached the 90's at all. It is the end of July, however, so I'm starting to suspect this is the best we will get.

So we've been fruit picking,

having picnics,

doing really weird art projects,

going to the beach,

and all the other activities that mean summer. Eating otter pops, and running thru sprinklers, and visiting the public pool, and welcoming ourselves to friends' raspberry bushes, and making berry cobblers, and grilling hamburgers and corn cobs and sausage dogs and kabobs and BBQ chicken and zuchinni's fresh from the garden and pretty much anything else I can talk Josh into making for dinner.

We missed the renaissance fair as usual but the royal fireworks concert is next weekend and remembering how enthralled Zeke was with the ballet last year we are pretty set on attending at least that portion of it again. We also missed the first Concert Under the Pines at our local park, because that was the day Josh was laid off and we forgot all about it, but the next 3 are on the calender ready to be remembered.

Even if the season wont do itself justice at least we will :)

New Rhythms and New Horizons

With Josh home this week the whole family seems to be in a pause. Each of us pushing arms outwards to feel our new space, and wriggling our shoulders in attempts to make it familiar. Well, all of us except Mal. Malachi just barrels forward despite all changes in rhythm and aura. It may be a 1-year-old thing but it may just also be Mal.

Whether our littlest family member notices or not, the house feels different with Josh here.

In an effort to keep some semblance of our normal day going he does go downstairs into his basement office (aka man cave) every morning. He job searches, he familiarizes himself with programming languages that he thinks a knowledge of will be useful, he double checks his online presence, he takes breaks to lift weights, to practice guitar. By 3pm when the boys are being woken from their naps, he joins the rest of us and we head out as a family to run errands or garden, or else we adults read while the kid's play at our feet.

Honestly it should feel the same, only daddy "home" a bit early. But it doesn't really. Even if he's unavailable we are all very aware that he's here. Every art project must be run down to show him, every snack offered. He comes up every once in a while, to use the restroom or grab a drink or tell me, laughing, that he knows when he is applying for a job in Idaho when they state that degrees from accredited universities are preferred.

It's an adjustment and we are getting there.

And hopefully by the time we do we are adjusting right back to where we were before.

He has two interviews tomorrow. :) I told him to ask double his old salary or bust ;)

Day In the Life

Yesterday was the first day that Josh was home, having been laid off Thursday. Yep, you heard me. Josh lost his job. On the one hand, we have been half expecting it for years- his company has had 2+ major lay-offs every year that he has worked there. On the other hand...well on the other hand it always sucks when your number is called. It's not exactly like Spokane is a tech-job meca, and in case you've been able to forget we are in a recession for...for as long as Josh and I have been part of the work force actually. In other words, there is a very real chance that this will force us to uproot our family- to short sale the home that I dearly love, and leave the city where I have built my life for almost seven years. Our friends, my mom's group, the non-profit I've helped birth, our church and the youth group we run...even the little things like our pediatrician and the park we always go to and the farm that we pick fruit in during the Spring sting a little bit.

Yes I've done it before- 6 and a half years ago when I came here.

But honestly the familiarity with the process just makes it harder. I know that it takes years to truly build a life, and how hard it is while you live without a support system in the meantime. I dont want to start over.

Our search is limited to this area for now but neither one of us are sure how long we can keep that luxury.

Anyways, life must go on and I had long planned to do a Day In The Life post.

And so I shall.

Mal and I woke up at 8:30, to find Josh and Zeke already downstairs and skimming the online job market.

Josh fed the boys breakfast, and I harvested some peas from the garden and took a shower (yay for fixed water heaters!).

After my shower it was time for the kids to take a bath.

They love to wash each other's hair- like teenage girls in a teenage boys' fantasy. When they were dried off and dressed they went outside to play.

And Josh trimmed the epic beard he has been working on for the past little bit to something that looks a little less homeless and a little more "hire me".

Around 10 I took the boys to their well-child check-ups, and Josh went back downstairs to continue the job search. Only Malachi ended up getting any shots, and he took it like a champ as usual. After my last post I had 2 foster moms I know tell me that they partially immunize/don't immunize their kids and never had any problems. I looked up the actual law (vs blindly listening to a social worker that obviously meant best but also obviously cant know everything) and found I can opt out my bio kids as long as I immunize my foster kids. So back to the old schedule we happily go.

It was some well-child visit, however. Zeke left with a pink eye prescription and Mal with a antibiotic prescription for his flaming double ear infection!? I knew he had a small cold earlier in the week but honestly he wasn't acting like he was in pain at all. I'm glad it came to light, though, because our insurance only lasts thru the end of the month.

Mal fell asleep on the drive home, there goes nap. And then they had chicken nuggets and apple slices for lunch.

After eating Mal went back outside to play ring toss.

And Zeke went into the toy room to play with his trains.

I did my prayer time, since I knew I wouldn't have time with both boys napping at once.

After I was done I filled their kiddie pool to warm up for the afternoon, and put Zeke down for a nap. I finally got hungry so I made taquitos for Malachi and I to share while we watched the first act of Les Miserable (the 1oth anniversary DVD). I decided that as loyal to this version as I feel, the 25th anniversary that came out this year is a lot better.

I woke up Zeke at 3 and he was very. Very. Very cranky.

We all four of us went to the store.

When we got home Zeke was still very very very cranky-though somewhat mollified by the jamba juice Josh bought him. We put the groceries away and went for a swim.

Soon it was time to start dinner, so Zeke got to watch Cinderella.

Malachi started to watch with him, but ended up falling asleep. I accepted the fact that I would be up until midnight.

Our friend Becca arrived, bearing gifts in the form of Josh's phone charger. He had left it at work the day before. They talked lay-off.

Soon after that our friend Jonathan arrived for dinner. They also talked lay-off.

Dinner finished cooking and Becca excused herself to go home.

We talked more lay-off but I was heartened. We talked about the dozens of people that have come up and offered to look for jobs for Josh, the handful that already had and demanded his resume for their boss. He is very well liked and respected in his business. We talked about the bright side of the situation, that we all know he would never quit his former job, and maybe this is opening him up for bigger and better things.

Jonathan brought gifts for the boys.

And very soon it was time for Zeke to go to bed...and for the rest of us to watch Harry Potter 7a in preparation for the second movie which we are all going to tomorrow (well except Malachi, he's not invited to HP7b...but then again he also fell asleep in the middle of 7a so he's not fully prepared anyways).