I stayed up past midnight Thursday night (That is LATE for me. Those of you that think of midnight as a reasonable bed-time, know that I think of 9 as a reasonable bedtime. My motto is early to bed, late to rise and I regularly get 10 or even 11 hours of sleep a night.) cleaning and getting the house back in some semblance of order after being sick. It felt very good, very calming and very right. As usual I felt like I was doing a lot more than bringing order to the kitchen, I was bringing order back into life, which has felt really contentious lately. Scrubbing away all of the grease that has built up on the stove-top seemed very symbolic.
I went to bed very much feeling "ahh, I am finally back." Then I woke up Friday and went about my "normal" activities and schedule with this strange new feeling of "but who am I?"
This identity crisis of mine seems to be sticking. This crazy feeling just keeps popping back up the last few months at the least expected moments, lasts a day or two, and then gets forgotten in the shuffle of the newest bump on the road of Raising Zeke, in playdates, and mom's groups, and dinners to be made, and cat drama, and oh yeah Josh gets attention from time to time too.
This time around its a little negatively charged. Josh and I both, getting married and starting on this little family of ours, had this very clear vision of "who" we wanted to be. It was made easy because we had the perfect example right in front of us, his youth pastor Kevin and his wife Elise. We wanted to be Kevin and Elise. We still do. Here is Elise's blog, by the way, I love it. But you see, I'm not Elise. Not even close.
I actually dont even want to get into the myriad ways that I am very not Elise. Let's just say that her blog tagline? "Daily marking out a path as my children follow?" Taken from a beautiful line out of Hebrews "So take a new grip with tired hands and strengthen your weakened knees! Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong." Yeah, doesnt discribe me. I relate a lot more these days to another blog I sometimes read: Why Mom Drinks Rum. And her tagline "getting this shit wrong since 1997"...yeah...the year might be different but I'm really feeling it these days.
Not that Holly is a bad mom. No, she's a great mom I think, and hilarious. But I dont want to be Holly, I want to be Elise.
I could, you know, just be...me. But as ancient as I am...you know...nearing 24 and all...I still dont really know who that is.
3 comments:
Oh, sweet friend. I don't know if I could even describe the "myriad ways" that I am not Elise, either. Aren't we all searching? Will we ever stop? I stumble and fall, I learn something and put it into practice, and then I fall again...
I am praying for you as you ponder these things... you know, I think you're just the best version of *you* there could ever be. And I know He agrees with me. Love to you, girl! Kiss Zeke and hug Josh for us... we miss you!
You know, when I was 24 I didn't really know who I was either. I knew who I WANTED to be, but that just hadn't happened yet. I'm still figuring it out at 31, and I know I still have a long way to go, we all do. None of us get it right 100% of the time. I often feel like I'm not doing my job "creating a warm and loving atmosphere in my home". Most days I just feel like I'm scraping along until bedtime. Sometimes I read other people's blogs and they're talking about doing all this cool stuff and reaching goals I wouldn't even set and I think WOW! That person really has it together. But they don't. Trust me. They struggle just as much as the rest of us, we only get to see their successes.
Anyway, you're totally what God had in mind when He created you. You should never try to be something other than who you are. If you did THAT would be the failure. If you failed to be you and ended up being someone you just aren't.
its only now at 28 years that I am finally getting to understand how I can be me and not worry about anything else...exploring me has a lot of bumps but we are getting there slowly :) dont rush!
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